The Broken Mirror

Thrown into the deep end, and helplessly drowning

2010-10-04T02:58:00.003+08:00

I wont delve much into how work has been for me. A new experience I must say, and a taxing one on myself. I never did expected the practice to be easy, but I never expected it to be this demanding either.

I guess it's true that we just won't know how to judge the depths of the water unless we dive in head-first. And adding to that, I have a teacher (as in the circle of practitioners, dubbed - Master) who is the type that throws students into the deep end, with a small rubber ball and a flashlight as supplies. The function of those items are:-

a) Rubber ball - to ensure that no matter how bad things are, you'll stay afloat

b) Flashlight - to signal when you're about to let go of that blasted rubber ball.

So I have a much experience-based teacher, which I'm not complaining about since I learn A LOT from him and the staff. I just wish that I'm the more of a competent type, the person who will not dissappoint his expectations and a more proactive than I am now.

I realized that my 4 years of law school is rubbish (technically, but still it did do some good) compared to the real thing at hand.

Work aside, I have been truly thrown into the deep end and currently helplessly following the flow of the black hole. Truth be told ; I suck at having any form of relationships. I just screwed up a 3 year relationship -- thanks to my dear 'friends', Mr. Dickhead-Ego and Mr. Short-Temper. Basically, my natural instincts of rage and anger took control of me one too many times for her to handle, and now she left me (whether its for good or not, Im not too sure ; it's leaning towards the 'for good' side at the moment).

And it's during these times of torrid self-induced torments and pseudo-depression that I realised -- it was never her who needed me ; it's the other way around. I needed her more that I realised. And it sucks to know that my life is now turning into a temporary hollow shell for the moment, as I am not able to live and breathe a single day without thinking of the time I screw up.

Worst part is -- I'm anticipating more screw ups. My pessimists mindset has begun to set in, and each moments passes with the anxiety of "what will I screw up next? work?" scenarios. And the bitter part is ; my life has been a complete roller coaster of emotions.

At times I'll just laugh myself off to some wisecrack jokes and stupid puns -- at times I'll just sit quietly in my cubicle / car / room thinking of things that could have been -- at times I'll just stuff a pillow onto my head just to make sure that I cry not of sadness but of suffocation.

I'm just that pathethic in these times of dire straits. There are moments in life that I just wished that I somehow disappeared from the face of the Earth and just be forgotten from anyone's memories. That would save me from the suffering of facing the world and ensure that no one suffers due to my non-existence. But that won't happen, since my disappearance would by the least give side-effects to my roommate a.k.a my brother. At least he has more room to spin around the bed while he sleeps if I'm gone.

Before I part (for God knows how many months before I start posting again), let us all enjoy some Eric Clapton in our lives. Enjoy life, and make love / not war.

External - Eric Clapton : LIVE "Bellbottom Blues"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4hv_8TXFWg&ob=av2n

Bellbottom blues

You made me cry

I don't want to lose this feeling

And if I could choose

A place to die

It would be in your arms

Do you wanna see me crawl across the floor

Do you wanna hear me beg you to take me back

Oh I'd gladly do it because

I don't want to fade away

Give me one more day please

I don't want to fade away

In your heart I want to stay

It's all wrong

And it's all right

The way that you treat me baby

Once I was strong

But I lost the fight

You won't find a better loser

Do you wanna see me crawl across the floor

Do you wanna hear me beg you to take me back

Oh I'd gladly do it because

I don't want to fade away

Give me one more day please

I don't want to fade way

In your heart I want to stay

Bellbottom blues

Don't you say good bye

Surely gonna meet again

And if we do

Don't you be surprised

To find me with another lover

The Transformation of a Decepticon [I Wish~]

2010-06-14T00:45:00.006+08:00

*dust*dust*dust*

Yes, this small piece of cyberspace is officially a ghost town on its own.
I've been neglecting it to the point that I had to think about the password in order to login.
How long have I been away from this space?
2,3 months? Half a year? Or more than that?
I can't seem to recall. Does it even matter?

A LOT has happened since the last post.
Come to think of it, the last entry was my rantings of how a thief stole my dearest laptop and in the process smashed one of my car window. Yeah, that was around July 2009. And now its June 2010.

*dust*dust*dust*

There's alot that I just wish I can cram into this post, but I just don't have the idea, nor the words, nor the mood to do it. Important point is, I'm done with my study of law. 10th June 2010 marked the end of a long 4 year journey through Law school. The results are out, and I'm just happy to be able to pass all the subjects. And I went snorkelling for the first time during the month of May 2010. And a lot of other stuff happened.

Maybe I'll start with an update of my daily commute ; my one and only (and probably THE only that I will go to this extent to do it) -- The Decepticon.

A little flashback to 2007. It started life as a 'standard' Proton Satria Neo 1.6 (M),with factory Iridescent White paint, equipped with the 16" turbine rims and a short deck spoiler.

*Do forgive the pictured laundry*

Back then, having it was THE most joyous moments of my life. Fast forward 3 years later to 2010, with a couple of visits to workshops, bodyshops, rim shops, exhaust shops, and paintshops -- and several events of fender scrubbing, curb grinding, the list of things that I 'forcibly' changed are as follows :-

Exterior:
*Glacier White paint (2k paintjob)
*R-Tiga Front Splitter / Rear Spoiler
*PU Custom Sideskirts
*15" TE-37 ; Falken Ziex 522

Performance:
*Powerzone 4-2-1 Headers
*Matola Midbox ; Matola Short Bullet
*Arospeed CF Muffler
*KNN Drop-In Air Filter
*Denso Iridium Spark Plugs
*Quadcore Spark Cables
*RACE Short Shifter
*Bendix MetalKing Brake Pads (front)

Interior:
*Aux Input Cable

*Decepticon ; as it is now*

There it is, my pride and my joy.
I know, it's not even on par with the level of modifications that other invest in their ride.
But I dont care -- I just love the fact that the reason it is what it is today is based on what I invested in it. And I might go even further (new seats won't hurt, or a new HU, or something to be slapped on the rear bumper). But for now, I'm content.

Let's just see where the future drives me, and let the steps into career-dom be paved with glory.

Adios, til I decide to *dust* this cyberspace again.

The Tragedy [20th July 2009]

2009-07-31T07:59:00.002+08:00

"You never know when it will strike you, and you will never it will ever hit you.
No matter how much you take care of something, just one instance, just that one moment of carelessness, will cost you. They don't give a fuck at how much effort you thrown to take care of the things you love ; all they care about is getting quick cash through the hardship of other"

Fuck thieves. I know in these tough and rough times where the economy seems to be on a rollercoaster (the US citizens are partly to be blamed for this), its hard to get a decent job to serve food for the family. But why? Why must you degrade yourself to the point of getting mocked, angered and best of all, CURSED by every single human being that has rational thoughts on the issue of [Right vs Wrong].

Things started out as any other Monday can ever be.
A mundane Monday. Since UiTM has enforced the ruling of 'Parkir Pelajar di Padang Kawad', I was forced to find alternative parkings (I aint gonna wait for the fucking bus that would only get my punch card be in the RED, risk my car at a place only reachable by bus and adding to that, my classes finish at around 9pm on average, so by that time, there won't be any friggin busses to ferry me to by bloody car you faggots of administration!) even at the cost of getting [surat cinta] PEGAWAI KESELAMATAN (fuck this title, you not even keeping UiTM safe from anything).

With no lunch (cafeteria was so faraway from my office), I was forced only to eat Gardenia Butterscotch bread throughout the whole day, and by 4pm, I was fucking hungry. But I cant go back just yet, I have another class from 5pm to 830pm. So again Im in class. Hunger and desperation kicks in. I'd kill a horse and flame roast it if I must, but Mawar would just kill me later for eating a horse.

Waiting for the clock to tick at 830pm can never be so tiresome. My stomach was still empty, I was damn thirsty, and to add it up, yes, I had another [surat cinta] from those people who are supposed to keep UiTM safe (hey, kes kecurian kat Mawar, Perindu, sume ada lagi kot! Where are you guys when these things happen? The grevious injury case that happened last year is also still fresh due to your mistake, you so called PEGAWAI KESELAMATAN).

Class ended, and all I can ever think about is FOOD.
I had totally forgotten all about the bags I was carrying, so I just lugged them in between the passenger and driver seat (bad mistake!). Took my girlfriend out for dinner at Kelana Jaya, I reached the place by 930pm. Parked my car in front of a Clinic that has a tuition centre above it. The operating hour of the clinic ends at 10pm.

So everything was fine. Ate my dinner, had a good laugh, and headed back to my car at 1015pm. Disenganged the alarm, opened the door, entered my car, closed the door -- ONLY THEN IT STRUCKED ME ;

Me: "You, nape I rasa kete I cam cerah semacam je"
Her: "YOU! Cermin kete kena pecah!!!"
Me: "What the fuck?! Celaka la!!"

A clean job; the thief (or thieves) smashed my rear quarter panel window to pieces, cut through my tint layer. While I was grieving for the damage, the question suddenly sprang -- "Anything stolen bro?" -- YES, my 3 year old enduring, reliable, all storing Compaq Presario V2000 laptop was missing from where it sits just now.

Fuck it. Not only I must repair the fucking damage, now I have to make do without a fucking laptop? Fuck you man! All those thieves and robbers and other criminals in the world -- GO TO HELL, DIE QUICKLY. You made my week a terrible one. And I curse you til the end of time, even if I have to go to hell with all of you.

I lost 4gb of stored photos from my first semester til the final of my Degree, documents which included [cases - assignments - moot submission - precedents - notes]. Basically, I lost my work station. And a rear quarter window glass. And now Im left dumbstrucked.

Which is why I've been having a hard time trying to focus on my work.
Currently I'm a Temporary Occupation License (TOL) holder for my brothers' and my beloveds' laptop. Work load has been piling up to the brink of losing my mind, and I'm so lucky to have these people loan me their laptop.

My parents dont want to know any shit about me needing a laptop. Guess they're still pissed off with the incident. And I understand why, so I just have to move with the flow.

That piece of equipment has been with me for over 3 years.
I take pride in the way I take care of it, I've never left it in the boot or in any place without supervision. I only made one, JUST ONE small error, and now its gone. I dont hope much from the Police Report I made. For all I know, the Laptop could now have been disassembled for parts.

I dont mind you taking away the monitor, the keyboard, the processor nor chipset. If possible, I just want the hard disk back intact. But it's a longshot wish, and logically speaking, it would never happen unless by miracle a suspect is apprehended and my laptop is in his/her stash of stolen items. Hopes sometimes are meant to only bring you down.

I now have to accept the reality of learning an expensive lesson, the hard way.
I just hope none of my friends, even those who are reading this blog, will ever be faced with this hardship in their life.

Had my share of letting it out. Peace out people.

(Unofficially) I'm a Law Degree holder

2009-06-12T00:47:00.010+08:00

Who would've thought, some guy who apparently studied science subjects throughout High School up til Matriculation would end up hating every single Math calculations which involves complicated algorithms, would end up studying in the Faculty of Law UiTM.

Life can be very twisted but wonderful at the same time. And thanks to Allah, I've experienced how life would be when I took a turn from studying science to learning the art and form of Law. If asked did i ever regret not striving for the dream I once held (to be a doctor), my answer would be precise and concise --

"NO"

I may not be the perfect human, nor am I any sentient being that can see through the future, but I believe that in every turn of event, Allah is teaching a lesson. My time spent as a BLS student transcends any of which I could have imagined myself doing. For once in my life, I am enjoying my study (could be because this is what I am supposed to do?), not to mention that throughout the rocky road in the duration of three years, I would be involved in many other things that broadened my mind.

My obsession for tennis flourished. My romance of cars took flight. My night time advantures (some may know about it). The times I spent with members of Lawsoc 07/08. My Inter Part mooting participation.
All this within the span of my studies. And Im truly grateful for all this.

Quoting from my Facebook status;

"Alhamdulillah, praise be to Allah for giving me the opportunity to complete my very first degree. Though the journey is still far, but Im thankful for the wonderful things I've learnt, the wonderful people that I meet, and also wonderful memories that only time will erase"

I am truly blessed to have met wonderful people along my struggles to complete BLS. Friends, Senior, Juniors, Lecturers, Partners in crime ; all who I meet made significant impact on how I view life. I appreciate all of you, especially those who are dearest to me (you know who you are). You guys have given me the best life lesson any person could ever received, and I pray that we shall learn more from each other in the coming years.

A big shoutout to the one that has always been there for me. My beautiful and elegant (I hope she doesnt read this), my one and only love -- Aneez Shafeeqa. Without you, my life wouldnt have been complete. You gave me the courage to do things that I've never even dreamed of doing, and you taught me that the value in life is not about how much money you have, but also how much kindness and love are you willing to share with others. I can only thank you so much, but I know I can't say it to you in person.

And to my besties (must I name you?), thanks for being the pillars that support me (I know, I'ma hefty guy :P). Let me tell you guys a little secret;

I've never had any bestfriend. Not until I've met you guys. You are the best, and no word can describe how much you guys mean to me. You know who you are, and I can't thank you enought for all the time you guys spent tutoring me, covering up for any of my mistakes, and all those crappy talk-hour that we usually have in between studying *hahaha*

I know, the journey is not an end just yet. More hurdles and challenges lies ahead, and I am still unconfident if I can ever reach the true finishing line (even if there is one). I pray for strength to continue my pursuit of knowledge, and to emerge stronger and better than the man who I am now. And now I believe, that in every cloud, albeit storm or rain, there is a silver lining.

Though my achievement may not be much compared to other brighter stars, but it has been a milestone experience for me. I personally am changed (dont go looking at my physical attributes, I know its rounder than I was 3 years ago), by the people, by the knowledge, and by the experience.

I'll sign this post off with an excerpt from a song I truly enjoy at this moment;

"If I could go back in time, wouldnt change a damn thing in my life,
love the dumb things we do when we're young, but the best is yet to come.
go for it, run toward it, dive in head first, live life with no regrets,
put your heart out there, don't be scared, and you might get hurt,
but it's all worth it in the end, and the best is yet to come"

-- Hinder ; 'The Best is Yet to Come"

Congratulations BLS class of '09, we made it.

Alhamdulillah

A short update on my Decepticon.

2009-05-30T01:19:00.002+08:00

After a long absence from the modding scene, and several wheelspin incident and also near accident experience, I decided to dump the Stock Conti tyres.

Although some would disagree with my statement, let me clarify.
The Stock Conti on dry is good. But if it rains, damn it spins.
And lately, even launching at 2.5K RPM spins the wheel like mad.
Even more scary when simple lane switching manouver on highways somehow leads to loss of grip during rainy days.

In the circumstances, I had to change tyres.
Not for performance, but for safety. But cost is the constraint.
A good set of 16" will set me back about 1k minimal.

So why not go the extra mile and just splurge for some new wheel altogether?
In the long run, I may be able to save some cash splurged on new tyres.
So the hunt for a suitable 15" for my Decepticon begins

Thus began my endeavor to find the set of wheels that fits my need.

So much to choose from, so very little option (PCD 114.3 is a pain in the a*s)

At first instance, I fell in love with this set of Advanti. But alas, during fitment, the spokes were too close to the front brake calipers that I had to let go of this beauty.

Then I tried my baby this set of GramLight replica. Though it fits well, the colour was not my cup of tea (nor coffee for that matter). The search continues.

At a state of dismay, I blindly chose this set of Klon wheels. Yeap, not to my liking.

So for about an hour or so at the shop, the tauke suggested me several 16" rims (which defeats the purpose of cheaper 15" tyres) which I declined to look (but they are so yummy!)

Then I saw one set that fits my criteria;
a) 15"
b) Easy to clean (compared to stock)
c) PCD 114.3
d) Doesnt hit my brake calipers

Out comes the Stock rims which my Decepticon had worn for the last 2 years
p/s: Even with all those lousy scratch marks and kerb ramming marks, they took my rims and tyres for Rm400. Not bad for a 2 year old OEM Rim ha?

The old vs The new. The Ironic battle continues

The car is floating with the help of several 2-tonne jacks. The new wheels lying beside it

"Wa kasi masuk itu nut aaa, lu tgk baik2 ok?"

They didnt have the Yokohama nor Bridgestone that I wanted. So I settled for Falken

After changing new rims, balancing and alignment is a must

So these are the end results. That end's my rim searching endeavor. I know it's not much, but it's the best I can do.

Side Profile

Prowling behind the shadows

Don't ask about the scratch mark on the bumper --- long story

Next mod....well, maybe I'll have to wait on that.
Cheers everyone

Watchmen is a must watch. And yes, YNWA!

2009-03-15T02:18:00.002+08:00

I'm living the life of social rebel (so exaggrated. haha)
I ask people for opinions, query them on how things should be done, but most of the time I ended doing the exact opposite of what people want me to do. It is my nature to do something beyond the perception given by people upon a certain.

And I'm glad that this gut natural reaction turns out to be a good thing.
I went against reactions such as:
" Watchmen? Boring aa citer tu. X paham"
" Citer tu ntah pape. Kejap mati, kejap hidup"
" Filem ni rugi je gi tgk. Bukan ley understand pon jalan cerita dia"

To those who uttered those words, I suggest you watch the movie again, and again, and again. Because it's not a chick flick movie. It's not the usual action movie. And yes, it's no thriller.

To me, Watchmen is one of those movies where the plot can be lost in its own story, but yet finely intertwined together, skillfully woven to give those who truly understand 'cinematography' a worthwhile movie to watch. The movie must be watched together with certain understandings of World History, the open mind to actually visualize a change in what is already carved in stone.

Watchmen embeds a scenario where the Past, Present, and Future collide in one single flow, and at times, at one single scene. If you miss even 5 minutes of understanding of the film, you'll be dumbfounded at how much you actually miss. Every single character is inter-woven with one another, each sharing a different past, each with his/her own mission. And better yet, Watchmen rarely show these flashbacks altogether. The characters are revealed one by one in different forms.

Some were seen dead in Present, but the story only tells viewers about who he really is in snippets from the middle til the end. Some exposed their experience as a hero, then only explain on how they became a hero. And Rorshach is the best : Hiding in every shadow in plain sight, only to be explained as a sociopath who can lead a normal life, but died later on due to his belief that truth must be told to the masses.

Many common life philosophy were thrown in, albeit being twisted, and brings about questions which has no definite answer. The irony that one faces once they are no longer of use. The distinct line between good and bad, and who is the one that draws this line. A lie to hide all in order to maintain order. Sacrifice of one at the expense of millions. The agony of living in guilt. All of this, jigsawed and patched together, forming thoughts that somehow or rather, common life philosophy are never meant to stay the same.

This is the quality of a captivating story. This is the ingredient to hold audience glued to the screen. This is what a movie is supposed to be. It makes you think, it forces you to understand, and it takes you on a journey together with the character while understanding them as though you were unravelling the secrets of your own friend.

I understood the story as a whole.
I enjoyed the plot as a whole.
I am captivated by the thoughts provoked.
I love the cinematic value.

So, I bid to all those who hasn't watch, please do so. Watchmen is a worthwhile film, ONLY if you focus, you open up your mind, and you comprehend. It is not to be understood, but to be appreciated.

And to those who complains of "not being able to understand", watch it again. And again.
Because you didnt understand due to these reasons;
a) You watched it in a condition where you lost focus
b) You lack the comprehension to perceive and to analyse
c) You are just too lazy to think about twisted plots
I dont blame the movie if you fail to enjoy. I blame the viewers who failed to appreciate.

p/s:
"YNWA. 1-4, and I'm darn happy about it!"
Even if The Reds lose the title, I'm happy supporting a team that TWICE made a cow out of ManUtd

A special tribute to my Iridescent White Decepticon

2008-12-18T04:55:00.002+08:00

After much deliberation (and tinkering in humility), I've decided to finally post some aspects of my ride.

Its not that im not proud of it or anything, but to those who have seen my ride in person and up close, the exterior is the same as the standard showroom car, only less shiny and has stone chips, scratches everywhere.

This is my current dyno chart.
The lower line signifies dyno when the mod was -
a. Quadcore 10.5mm plug cables
b. KNN Drop-in air filter
c. Surbo ;)

The comparison chart is dyno with all the above mods + a brand new Powerzone extractor.
For those in search for a brand new extractor, with cravings of exceptional quality and power delivery at a very low price, this is what I will recommend to you guys (and this i believe is also the belief of other Powerzone brethrens ;))

My baby on the treadmill (he's a good runner, but his owner sure could use some running ;D)

The reason why I should not change rims is because Im too careless :D

Ignore the ugly butt sitting atop the gorgeous car

Atop Cameron Highlands

The only thing not stock on the exterior is this lil' badge 8)

After some detailing done by our master detailer Junbecks

Yay, my baby is shiny again

Thats it for my ride.
I know its not much, but its been a very wonderful one year ownership with this ride of mine. ;D

Have fun with your rides my brothers and sisters~

Recap : June + July

2008-10-31T00:57:00.006+08:00

This month, marks the sixth consecutive month I've neglected this small world that I lay claim upon. By acquisitive prescription under our modest governing International Law, this plot of space could have been under the administrative controls of another. But fortunately, the law of the cyberspace does not involve the taking over of territories of another.

A lot has happened within these months.
I havent got a clue where to begin with actually.

IF i were to write every single turn of events that occured to me within this six months, Im gonna have to write 6 different postings, and to me, thats just a waste of time, and time is something I dont have much of (since I AM facing my Semester Final exams). Time sure flies when you dont stare at the clock.

So after much tinkering while reading, driving, eating, shitting (does that word even exist?), I finally came to a conclusion of how am I going to present the 6 months that I let go, and never to return to me : In three simplified version of 2 months per posts.

Haha. Simple, very vague, yet genius solution.

JUNE

This time of the year is usually the time for me to quiet down for a bit. But for 2008, this is the time i spend my weekdays at the courtrooms. Yes, courtrooms. I was on practical for the month.

Ah, file stamping. My favourite job (apart from listening to trials)

Why so serious? Outside the Courthouse

Having lunch with my buddies (Iza, Forgot-his-name, Fairuz, Lee)

It is still in existence, and YES, it is a modern version with a working 'BACKSPACE'

The sort of work we usually do

Towards the end of June, me and the Lawsoc Famiglia organized the trip to Indonesia. I'll spare my rantings and venting for my own keepsake, in order to keep this post as a happy one.

So we'll start off with several Jakarta pictures:-

The visiting 'invasion' party

The High-Comm, inside Mahkamah Konstitusi

Look, I found this book at the Library (yes in J

I am always a camwhore

Met my old pal KA while at the Embassy
In front of UI's first Dean (statue, not flesh)

Ibis Mangga Dua in memories

This Vios, worshipped in our Boleh-land, is a Taxi

The landing party trying to find an exit

The food = AWESOME

Then we have the Bandung pictures:-

We find signs of Home

After we eat, we camwhore

On the bus, cant recall going where though

Shopping heaven

UnPad ; Our last stop for educational visit

The trip to Indonesia spanned from End of June til Early July.

JULY

July went past by me without me realizing much of the activities. Though i was involved in most, but since this is a recap of what happened, so i tend to forget here and there. Heh.
Celebrated my lovely darlings birthday on the 15th July at TGI Friday's.
A wonderful dinner, and I shot a video of how she was celebrated. And the 'best' part is, I cant recall in which folder did i keep the video. Crap.

Owh yeah, we moved to a new LawSoc room as of early July.
Its now at C3.206. Come and visit us sometime.
I have the picture of the new room. But its hard to find where it is right now

So that wraps up the months of June + July

Its the Journey, not the Destination.

2008-05-11T01:10:00.002+08:00

I've been away from this page for a long, long time. Life has been easy going, but things tend to run hectic at times. Though for some awkward reasons, occurences in recent times had me thinking about the culture i was brought up into, the difference of views, the fact that everything beautiful have its ending. So this time round, my mind wandered around the above.

For starters,
I'm gonna go general, on a topic loosely based on the typical Malay drama. Well, these past few weeks a tension grew between several close friends of mine, who happened to be housemates. Truth be told, the tension grew to a point that one party decides to stab the other, while the other parties got bored and left the opposing party alone.

While helping out some of those friends move to a new residential area, I started jabbing around for the inside story. If it happened to somebody distant to me, I would just classify this as a classic Malay habit / behaviour. But knowing the person in person, heh, its somehow hard to believe that the phrase "Looks can be deceiving applies".

This i have realized for a while in the times i spent as a neutral party to a dispute. A very certain member of our Malay community (me inclusive at certain times), still havent grown out of our cocoon of dependence. We still depend on others to do OUR dirty work. And all we have to blame when all is said and done is ourselves. I know certain quadrants of my buddies who leave the dirty work to teammates and pretend to even care without the single though in mind to supply help while doing, lets say, an assignment. Reason be, "I ada banyak kerja lain la", or " Skarang ni I ada byk problem ngan my bf / gf", or the famous "I think diorg ley wat lg baik kalo I x masuk campur".

What's wrong in this picture? Your hoping to score some big time jobs in the near 3,4 years but you cant even figure how to help your teammates on how to handle a b*llshit assignment? Dont tell me that the emotional trauma that your going through is equivalent to the emotional stressed underwent by your helpless teammates while they were working. And what's with the 'I'm too busy to even care about other stuff' attitude? Are you just damn blind? For all I know, the work is supposed to be shared, not for you to depend on others.

This is the same mentality that our Tun Mahathir tried to reform. Im not saying that i support him as a whole. But i support his notion to reform the Malay mentality. I do admit, we Malays have come a very long way from the time our mentality was closed to a turning point where we can accept outside ideas. But some habits never die. "Takkan Melayu Hilang Di Dunia". Some bad habits of Malays never dies. Im not perfect, so I would think I am also one of those irresponsive jerks out there on the loose. But im content to say that i at least look back to my indecent bad habits that i try to shake down. This state of dependency must stop.

No one is a royalty unless they are born a royalty. Dont go f*ck around the livelihood of others just because you know you can. And dont think that all this while when others have been covering your poor as*, you can get away scot free. I repeat, "Karma with Allah's will can strike you down at any moment". So even if your high n mighty, or swimming in a sea of money, or living the life of a supermodel, once u mess the life of an innocent, you're gonna suffer later on being a victim of a person much closer to you. It's life, and the examples are everywhere, especially among us Malays. Change is what we need. Reform is what we're after.

So im in the car one day with the family. Then came about the issue of easy money (Hah! Sume org nak duit cepat!). So there was a discussion on MLM, global economics, public perception, gullibility of Malays (Im so sorry, but most in MLM are sadly Malays), pros of a 9-5 5 days a week job and the cons of easy money.

Setting all the above aside, I like this :-

"You see, Life is not everything about the destination. Semua orang ada destination lain, semua depend on Allah. What makes our lives worthwhile is our journey in getting to those designated destination"
-Ibrahim Zainuddin, a.k.a Daddy

It got me thinking about what I am, the person I am, the personality I am, the animal I am, the human I am, and the pitiful I am. Thinking back, all this while, all I ever think about is the final destination. I only dreamed and worked for the finish line, no regards whatsoever on the experience I obtained. Funny eh?

Simple example. I always wanted to score a DL, at least once. I worked for it, though not as hard as other people. But the thing is, if asked by anyone, "Camne ek ko studi?" ---- I can't answer. Coz i cant recall the experience of how i studied. Its as if once the task is cleared, I erase all those things that makes my life worthwhile. Same goes to everything in life. I ONLY FOCUS MYSELF ON THE DESTINATION. Which is so wrong!

The journey is what makes up the things that we feel in life. Reaching the destination is regarded as an added bonus. The journey is what gives us the emotional drive, the journey is the one that becomes our eventual teachers, where we learn from the mistakes, where we improvise on correct moves, and the point where we make changes to ourselves.

Life isnt all destination. The destination we seek might not even be able to compare itself with the journey we went through to achieve that threshold level of self embodiment. Some might say Im wrong, in which that a yardstick to really ascertain the progress of one's climb up the social strata is the result he had attained. I agree, though not fully. No human can judge another with only looking at end results. The end result can be obtained through various means, be it clean or dirty. Some will argue that method comes second to results. Again I beg differ. I can never rest easy knowing that I obtained something not through a journey, but through a quick tour of life.

It's never satisfying. Some might say they are content with the idea of getting something free in life, to never work hard as others but achieve the same amount of glory to be bragged. But in the minds of those who value the experience of the journey, they sleep in satisfaction, knowing that everything they did, they did it with their heart, by prying every sinew of their bodies, pushing their mind and soul at the brink of limitations, and at the end of the day, smiles broader when seeing a positive result.

"Some see this glass as half empty, but some see it as half full"

So, the argument may rage on for another era. But i hold firm to my point. And until I prove to myself that this path in life that i decided to take is wrong, I shall hold still to this perspective.
May the stars and heavens above guide my whithered soul to the enlightened path that i need to follow.

-END-

1001 Reasons To Be Relieved (For Now)

2008-03-26T07:20:00.005+08:00

Aloha to everyone. Yet again I'm going to rely on my petty excuse of "Being very busy throughout the course of my life that I FORGOT to update the bloggie for a very long time". Well, finally I get a small break in between my study + work hours and my leisure times to actually do a recap of everything that's been goin in from January up til March.

LawSoc has been wonderful (not to mention tiring). A whole list of activities were organized from time to time. And it's been kicking into high gear since the expectation of the committee for every activity is REALLY high. We went Bagan Dato' the other day (though I didnt follow, coz i had my dental appointment~darn). Then there was the Media Prima visit followed up by the BPR visit. And in the middle we wedged some time to entertain an entourage of students from Pre-Law Merbok. And in March, the big banger -- No Wine And Cheese (NWNC) + Lex Familia Fest (Law Family Fest @ LFF).

First and foremost, KUDOS to the Project Manager for both NWNC and LFF. You guys visualized events that are just mind blowing, and managed the committee members well that LawSoc managed to pull it off. I dare to say that what Leez & Tim did was a 'REVOLUTION', events that no longer follow the repetitious cycle of boredom. And a BIG (i mean VERY BIG) round of applause to the Committee, for in spite being pushed to the very brink of sanity, with most of us having killer tests, mooting session, case presentation, project paper all piled up just before those events, we managed to pull through without having severe casualty to the brain. Hahaha. I myself admit, this is the BEST committee I've ever worked with, and those little kinks and bumps that we have, it is just our identity. A very special congratulations to the High Committee, especially el Presidente Faida and both Vice Presidents (Nabil n Amir) for their endless support and guidance and hardwork (am i considered an ass kisser now?), not to forget Dimmy n Yan, the faithful secretaries, for their struggles in finishing the letters and paperwork. Epul, my friend, you've done only so much to cover the Treasury work that it rendered me almost useless. Haha. We'll get back on this issue later eh?

Media Prima Visit

No Wine And Cheese

Lex Familia Fest

I apologize for the lack of photos for all the events. Seems that I lost all lust to be a camwhore nowadays.

Now that LFF is over, I got less work burden on my mind. Right now all I'm thinking bout is to wrap up and start revising my study subjects. Backtracking, I've already been through at least one round of Tests for each subjects (Land II, Trust, Criminal II, BEL 470, Cyber, LRM). Havent got the results of those tests yet, but I got the gut instinct in me saying that I'm not up to par with my performance I had hoped for this semester. With 3 weeks away from the Finals, the heat is turning on~~.

One thing good though:- I'm done with my mooting for this semester! And the heck of fun it was. It's not the normal mundane, boring moot session, but one filled with sarcasm, criticism and a pinch of sour humour.

As for my car, eventhough I have grandeur dreams of turning a lowly Proton to an imitation imported sports hatchback, it still remains as it is -- Showroom stock standard. Except for some extra stickers and stuff. Still contemplating on whether to start keeping money for a new drop in air filter. Hahaha. Think that does it for this post. Ciao bella~

Bastard Disturbing Male Species

2008-01-04T01:23:00.000+08:00

I'm pissed off. No other word can explain what i feel right now except for "FUCK!".
Fuck those assholes who wants to disturb my freaking peaceful and never-disturbing-your-business-or-girlfriend life! Why are you guys so fucked up? Juz because you drive a tricked out Kenari or MyVi makes you a fucking bigshot? Grow Up! I can bet that most of the parts you throw into the fucking nightmare we call re-badged Daihatsu are brand ayam yang harga x sampai pon separuh harga barang ori.

Lelaki2 kat Bumi ni rasanya2 x sedar lagi kot yg populasi pompuan makin tinggi. SO, banyak lagi pompuan lain korang ley kaco! Why in hell must you guys PUJUK my girlfriend untuk leave me, and be with you so-called better off guys!!

I admit! I'm not a looker, and I'll never be a looker. I'm not rich, the cash flows from my Dad. I'm not a fucking genius, so that's why Im doing Law in UiTM. I'm not a fucking athlete, that's why I play tennis for my hobby.

But at least fucking son-of-a-bitch assholes, I dont go around, fucking people's GIRLFRIEND to leave their BOYFRIENDS and tell them all the low points of those guys. I dont STOOP to that level. I have what we HUMANS call intelligence, rationale, and common sense. Unluckily, kebanyakan umat yang aku kenal dah x macam manusia dah kot!!

Mana pergi korang punya Common Sense? Mana pergi korang nye Intelligence? Kalo u guys are really a fucking fucked up organism called HUMANS, u guys would be using u penis sized brains to think. The thing is, u guys dont even have a penis sized brain!! SURPRISE, you guys are idiots which equals to animals. And guess WHAT! U guys only qualify to be called micro-organism coz at least the more complex animals have animal instincts!! You guys should bave been born by an Amoeboid mother, at least you wont be a trouble to the human society!

Mark my words, right now, u guys are making my fucked up life miserable. But God is ever fair and just, and eventhough i'm just another bastard around the corner, KARMA will strike you back like hell on Earth! I'm not praying that u suffer the same as i did. I pray that the one to suffer is the one you love most, let them be the victim of karma for what you guys are trying to do! I hope that the one u guys love leave you, slash your heart to pieces or even worse, shove your fucking noses with some COMMON SENSE by killing themselves!!

FUCKING BASTARDS LEAVE THIS PLACE! You guys dont have a single spot of forgiveness in my heart! You compare me to your so called handsome and smart being? I compare you guys to animals that live without purpose, or even worse, u guys are in the same league as the shit these animals throw away everyday! FUCKING BASTARDS!

One word of fucking advice:-
"ACCEPT THAT YOU GUYS LOST THE FRIGGIN RACE!"
I AM the WINNER. I am stepping on your loser heads right now! Deal with it! You guys are just sore losers of the highest degree who only knows to threat and blackmail in silence! Cowards! Born as a coward, live as coward, and die as a coward! If you are a real MAN, you'll come forward and challenge my throne as a MAN. Try me, imbecillic cowards! You have no place to be called a MAN in this world, you guys are male with pussies and no penis!

My Very First Satria Neo TT Session

2007-12-26T19:16:00.000+08:00

It was 21st December 2007. A Saturday. At about 2100 hour there was an Iridescent White Neo bearing plate number BJN 7755 cruising down the Federal Highway, current destination was Batu Tiga Toll Plaza. Inside were two guys, 'merayap la dak2 bujang zaman skarang!', waiting for the lead car. Sumtime around 2110, the lead car arrived, a Twilight Blue Neo.
Faliq has arrived to lead VDread (me! -YES- I know my nickname is OVERRATED-) and his fellow car enthusiast to Istana Budaya for a Rendezvous with the other SNC members.

Seriously though, KL couldnt have been much emptier, since it was the Raya Haji weekend, so most if the inhabitant dah balik kampung, korban lembu and makan rendang smpai perut boyot cam aku!. So back to the actual story, arrived at Istana Budaya round 2128 (laju gak ek kitorang bawak), there was already a couple of other SNC members waiting in their ride.

Neo_Kid (Malcolm) led the convoy to Al-Amir, Ampang for a shisha TT (no, i did not smoke!). The list of antendees were:-
- Neo_Kid (gile kaw2 mod la kete dia!)
- Alibaizuri (R3 look alike spoiler n splitter)
- Nandoze ( an Iri.White to refer when modding!)
- Kamil and His Bro
- Syahezri (adeh..camne Neo ko ley tinggal kat Subang!)
- VDread (mmg xley jalan kalo xde org tunjuk jalan) + Hafiz (car enthusiast)
- Sueffian ( Bonzer convoy)
- Han (the only Orange Neo of the night)
- Darlink + Dcinda (sayang korang balik awal..kalo x ada 9 Neo bergambar!)
- Zman + Friend (tq for showing is the PDT thingy!)

Minum2 + Makan2 kat Al-Amir, sambil2 tu ye la kan, bergosip la ttg macam2. Starting was talking bout Neo, modding Neo, how to tune Neo, and everything that has any relative relation to Neo. Then it went to 'value for money cars'. Then there was a discussion about the CPS module (cilake mahal kalo nak masuk dlm Campro yg dah kuar..ruginye kete ak!! Suwey!!).

Since Zman brought along his PDT thingy, some of the guys asked him to tune their car (of course la for a FEE, nothing comes for FREE wut!). Dcinda and Darlink left early (ala..the girls balik awal la plak!). Then Zman went back to Proton to resume duty as i-Care Assistant (caya la Zman, ko mmg best!).

Neo_Kid and Alibai led the remaining Neo Convoy to Kg Pandan Tesco. WE stopped by at the Petronas Station (besar oo) for a photo session and checking out rides session. Since mine was still all stock and no show, the only thing significant was my Decepticon emblem replacing the Proton. Hahaha. Wut the heck!

Anyhow, the TT dispersed at about 0115 in the morning. Me and Alibai drove back to Shah Alam (ada gak kejap test power enjin..kejap je!).

All in all:-
Mmg best aa TT nih! First time gi TT, dats y excited smpai buat post! Hahaha.
Hope i can make it next time and meet the one and only ZaffarGiant in person (club Prez),
and see the mods he made to his car!

The Unwinding Holidays

2007-12-22T03:17:00.000+08:00

Heh. A lot has been going on since my last post.

And ive been a fat lazy ass for not bring myself to update my so called 'abandoned' personal cyberspace. I succumb to the fact that I'm excel at places where others can excel too:- top notch procrastination. YEAH, ladies n gents, i do procrastinate like the lot of you out there. Heck, im talkin to a piece of LCD screen. I must have gone BONKERS! Im hearing whispers from within the screen. Wait, no, it's juz the Media Player, spinning "Dismantle.Repair"-Anberlin over and over;

"Hands like secrets are the hardest thing to keep from you
Lines and phrases like knives your words can cut me through
Dismantle me down, repair! You dismantle me, you dismantle me"

Anyhow, after the Bagan Lalang thingy, was at Cameron from 11th til the 14th. A sort of family holiday, minus the hassles and the tight scheduled flights in Italy (thank God!). Nothing new in Cameron, juz went scones hunting day in and day out. It was again another fiesta of food (damn I'm so round nowadays!!). Lamb chops, steamboat, and i expected to lose weight? Dream on ye ol' ultra-sized quater pounder named Fad!
It was a thrilling drive to catch up with the leading Mercedes. Cmon, its doin 160km/h without any hassles while my ride was a lowly Proton trying to puff every ounce of power out of its minute Campro powerplant. Adeh.

Mmg outclassed la my car! Tis is a pic while fueling up at Tanah Rata Shell. Notice the shiny new emblem on my Defadticon (yes, I changed its name yet again!). And yes, All HAIL MEGATRON!

Both above are some of the Eating Sessions organized by the Organizing Comittee (comprised of only the Overlord Father and Overseer Mother). No problem in eating!!

Then shortly after was Kak Ya's engagement ceremony. No. No marriage yet people. Juz a small sumthing gathering in order to propose her hand as a fiance. Met the guy, he's a very soft spoken and shy guy. But unluckily, Atuk Selayang mmg confirm mesti buat hal punya!! Jgn dia buat hal in my turn nanti sudah (that if dia hidup that long to see me pinang anak org). Foolish old gaffer (org tua bengong!). But wut to do, he's still my Grampa, and i can't change that fact eventhough i wanted to do it badly! Wish that he would stop making up trouble and being a pain in the butt to my family!

Then there was Raya Haji, which is nothing new. No pix of sort coz I kinda a spent the day trying to register my subjects. A comment for the webmaster :- open new servers you bumbling idiot! You dont expect over 100K++ students to go through a very narrow channel of servers can you? It will cause a massic internet traffic, resulting in loss of productivity hours which could be spent makan2, tido2, tgk tv and even lawat sedara mara!

Owh yeah, before Raya Haji, I spent a whole day at Midvalley, escorting two lil' bratty girls who just wanna have fun with their boyfriend and bestfriend. I managed to squeeze some excitement by watching "I Am Legend". And i would have wished for a better ending, but im not the director of the movie and i think im not cut-out to be one! But the movie was fun, and i dont think i wasted any money on it.

This month has been a spendthrift month without me even knowing. Suddenly I was skinning my phone with a new set of stickers, adding a 1gb ProDuo Memory Card, and also buying a new headset for my old and dying w700i (which i think can only last me for a maximum lifespan of 3 years). I dont hope that it will die out or kong mcm my last phone, coz I'm trying to setup a new account for Car Mods (yes, i will touch the car after i start paying for it, bums!)

My first GIANT leap towards car modding. I love my Defadticon!

Nothing else there is to blog. It's already 0415 at this time of blogging. And I'm shleepy!

Leadership Camp [Bagan Lalang, 7-9/12/2007]

2007-12-09T22:33:00.000+08:00

I just got back from Bagan Lalang today.

Had a 'Team Building' session throughout the weekend, aimed to foster good relations between all the internal clubs of the Law Faculty ( LawSoc, SMPP, Mooting Club, EnLac, SCLC, H-Coy and Debate). All representatives of clubs were present, except for the Debate as most members were involved with post mortem of the Royals.

Anyhow, most of us went there by bus (including me), which left from UiTM on Friday evening. The road to Seri Malaysia Bagan Lalang was not that tricky, but a bit winding and small (it barely fits the bus!). Along the trip most of us passed the time by dozing off or looking out towards the horizon. So, we arrived there at 4++ PM, unpacked, and hit the BEACH.

Activities there includes 2 VERY Lengthy and Sleepy talks, hit the beach, 2 LDK Modules, night outing to eat 'ikan bakar', hit the beach, play beach futsal, sleeping, and hit the beach (did i just repeat 'hit the beach' 3 times?)

YES. WE HIT THE BEACH. The best activity, the most entertaining, and surely, the most fun. Well, that and also the fact that we play water Polo (boys + girls) in the tiny swimming pool (there was a bout 15++ people in it).

Me in the Water

The soaking wet bandit gang

IMHO, the course seems to be more of a 'fat-building' rather than 'team -building'. You go listen to talks, do LDK activities, discussions on the Induction Program for the New Students, and they stuff you 5 times a day, not including the time Mr Ismail took us out for 'ikan bakar' every night we spent there. Owh, that also includes the availability of burger stall to supply food when -I'M- hungry. SO yeah, it is 'FAT-Building'. Hahaha.

The late night supper

The feast of Seafood

The Eatery Sponsor- Mr Ismail

Another very tragic Holiday

2007-12-06T02:41:00.000+08:00

YES. I do NOT lie when I say that God does not bless my holidays with anything that is lucky. Well I do love holidays (coz i can Sleep all day), but point is, whenever i WAKE UP, I'm a PORTABLE PANDORA'S BOX, which awaits to unleash a horror disastrous to everyone, especially ME, as curses are bound to eat up the life out of the maker.

Ignore the first God sentence above, and let's get to drawing board called life. To anyone who knows who the hell is MBB in YouTube, tell him I send him good regards. Wanna know why? Jumpa to these links, laugh ur brains out people:-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ZncOHl3DxY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eDJxgdCWzK8&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eDJxgdCWzK8&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eDJxgdCWzK8&feature=related
OK peeps. These are times that most wil call me stupid, my jokes are so bad, and I'm such a lame person. But look on the brightide of things, we can all share a laugh once you've gone throught these clips.

Anyhow, the HINDRAF thingy. Im not going to say anything (yeah you jerky, you know clearly who's being deprived of wealth, READ STATISTICS, DO NOT ACT EMOTIONALLY). And please to any Leader out there, shut the trap out of the sore-loser who is now proclaimed sore-Traitor. Now, for those who have been spreading those internet flimsy facts stating riots, 13 May, and all others, STOP IT!! I know the INTENTION is PURE, but you are straining the matter worse. YOU are making people paranoid by spreading things that are supposed to be known ONLY to the Security Force of the country. And FYI, you can be caught for causing Public Disorder ( care to share a Jail with the persons you're bad mouthing?). So a word of advice to everyone :- Share the info WITH the correct FACTS (stress the FACTS) to the POLICE (even if you dont like them, thats the only avenue). Be prepared by yourself, dont spread fear. DONT BE STUPID!

Haish, fuel price hike, toll hike, everythings gettings expensive these days? So why dont we talk about those things rather than squabble over racial sentiments spread by idiots who didnt read the fine prints of our LAW that aims for personal benefits. You DO NOT want another 13 May people. So idiots, be smart and shut up. Smart-ass, be a genius and also think a while. Geniuses, start thinking for solutions and dont act like an idiot! ONLY IDIOTS GO TO WAR WITHOUT KNOWLEDGE OF THE CAUSE or EVEN KNOWING THE TRUTH! F*ck all those Idiots!

HOOYEAH, deviating from the Holiday bad luck topic, am i?
1) My laptop got struck by lightning, damaged the ethernet, repaired (rm170)
2) During short-circuit, DVD Drive got struck too, causing some components to fry (rm100)
3) Virus attack (stupid me for not scanning), reformat, lost programs.

So, counting up the above, yeah my holiday sucks a bit. Plus no fuel allowance (coz there exist no such thing as classes during holidays + i wrecked the 4wd), which rather dampens the mileage increment.

So how did i spend the day? OWh..good question.
I finish NFS-ProStreet. Truthfully I miss the Cop Chase n Free Roam sequence, but i like the gameplay (hate the PS2 graphics, so horrible). Got myself a garage of 15 cars, wish it is reality, but a dream stays virtual.
I manage to pick up House til end of Season 3. Drama, drama,drama. No other drama than House. I AM LAME, thank you.
I watch TV, when the truth is I only watch cartoons and programs concerning engine blocks and bodykits.

A very LAME way to finish a holiday huh? WEll whut can i say. Im a boring kind of person, who doesnt know how to enjoy. Sue me for not being as entertaining as you all are.

Right now waiting to get a Bolt-On Clutch lock for the car plus a Decepticon face lift on the Proton Logo. My dad's Honda nearly got stolen in PWTC (doors opened, engine running) but it survived the scare. Please do not park ur car un attended car at places where it can be easily be broken into. It sucks having to spend a day at the Service Centre fixing it. And it kills IF your car was stolen by some jackass looking for easy buck (and since most jackasses are idiots, im making them friends with other idiots stated above). So Jackass + idiots = Circus clowns who are out of JOBS.

And before I end, i wanna send a very BIG upset message to Proton :- I want the CPS setup! Y in the world did u release it in Thailand, when everyone in ur bloody country wants it badly. Ever heard of JDM?? JDM's are better equipped compared to UKDM or even USDM. Take the cue, learn it well, and start making your biggest marketing customers happy. Give us details on the situation of the current Campro, make a press statement, DONT keep us relying on false hope. If we cant convert to the new engine, fine with me. Theres always a GSR Turbo or Evo 4 engine waiting to be bolted on. Dont dissapoint ur domestic market by making false promises again.

Peace to the world, and die Idiots!!

BLS Part 3 Finals November 2007

2007-11-11T14:25:00.000+08:00

Long time no postie.

Yeah, nothing been quite good with life right now. Been living in tyranny of books and mandatory confinement for the past 3 weeks after Raya trying so hard to study. Damn it's so darn tiring. But the Exam Schedule has been merciful to me. With at least a 2 day gap between each paper, ample time was provided for studies. ALSO ample to loiter around and waste each day to wait til the last moment before hitting the books for each subjects.

Before the exams, i sent my phone for it's well deserved repair (the Memory Card slot has some problem). So now im still waiting for it to come back to it rightful owner. Really missing the wake-up alarms that rings (Avenged Sevenfold - Bat Country SOLO). My phone was so loud, it rings the hell out of my brains and anyone sleeping within an earshot off the sounding alarm. Damn, I'm hated during early mornings. HUHU. Dont care, wont care.

Exam papers were quite OK, except for the fact i got into yet ANOTHER accident (so sorry aite to my bestie! I didnt mean to hit your ride!). So yes, 'FAD the Troublemaker' has yet again strike uneventful series of drama and squabble. Got a VERY good beating from both of my parents, got my body battered to the max due to lack of sleep and lack of focus while doing anything. So I'm so in hot water all the way. I'm sorry to those who had to undergo all those hardship that night. Promise I'll make it up to you guys when I have the opportunity to do so alright?

The toughest Exam paper? Hurm, lemme see. I didnt have enough time to answer Land Law. I was suffering from trauma and food poisoning during Admin Law. The trauma worsens during Third Language. Couldnt forgive my eventful forgetfulness in answering Criminal Law. Equity was hard coz there were 'requirements' to be fulfilled. And yes, Politics was like shitty questions! So all in all, my exam was not that great to be talked about to anyone. But hey, I'm typing it out to everyone, so I dont't feel much of the pain compared to explaining every tiny detail to anyone who asks by talking.

Right now I'm feeling a bit weared out. My mind gets a headache everytime i have to think about academic items. I just cant think clearly anymore. My brain efficiency has dropped to level that i can only enjoy or get mad. Nothing in between. I even lost the lust to do the most basic of my routine activitiy :- Playing Video Games. Damn. I feel so flabbergasted.

Well I've been putting my status to "Freedom Comes With A Hefty Price" at my YM, and boy do people want to criticize my dark thoughts. Haha. Come on dudes and dudettes. It's not like I dont know that freedom is sweet and has a nice ring to everything. But I'm just provoking a thouhgt into those who reads that not everything in life is as clear as Black and White. Sometimes things are left in the grey, it is for us to decide to follow either colours.

Now people, is the Hari Raya pictures, courtesy of your truly, the CamWhore. FYI, I managed to obtain revenue up to RM200++ this time. Now who says that a smile and acting kiddy-like wont get you anywhere? Cheers~

Cut & Paste [PART 4] -LeisureEnds, TortureBegins-

2007-10-17T01:37:00.000+08:00

So, two weeks spent aimlessly (along with estatic view and scenery) in Europe, i guess it would be best to head back home (along with other extra baggages that WE bought)..before headin back to MotherLand Malaysia, the famiglia decided to drop by at Bicester Village..for umm...shopping experience that leaves your father's credit card in the red...and i do mean red..

Bicester Village..where designer items are sold half the price as they are sold in Malaysia..Roxy.Quiksilver,Vans,Puma,Reebok (for the sporty type)...not to mention YSL, Aigner, Furla, Prada, D&G, Ferragamo (for the ladies)...Hugo Boss, Daniel Hecter, Dunhill (for the gents)..and ooohhh..Bose (for the sound junkies)..all at half the price u pay in our country..now dats what i call shopping spree..u see what u want, the price is good..it goes inside the bag..

Leisure's end,Bicester was the last stop in our journey, then we headed back to Malaysia (the 13 hour flight is a torture)..well, most of us would just lounge in our beds after that long flight...hoho..not me..i was forced to drive all the way back from KLIA, take a quick shower, then head to Section 16..where tonnes of work needed to done was waiting for me..heh..

Soon the torture began, with the news that the next day was a test for the assessment..great..i juz got back, barely read nothing, and now im going to have a test..a lot of fun?ha.ha.ha..(sarcastic laugh please everyone)..n to make things worse, the first three hours im in Malaysia was spent lounging to meet up my good friends (u guys know who u r, u dont need me to tell ya)..

So, the guillotine has been decided as my punishment for missing out on two weeks of classes..with all those Holiday Devils smirking at the sight of me when i was in class, with the silly questions of , "can you keep with the rest of the class?"..truthfully, NO..but rationally, if they give me at least 1 weeks to revise, i can bet i would be able to answer their questions..silly

Demons..

Oh well, thats the end of my short-lived happy-go-lucky with no books holiday. Conclusion, it was fun (except the part where a mom goes berserk in search of ancient Roman ruins without a map which results in the eldest son being a temporary tour guide back to the train station)..though i dont wish that the next holidays would come soon, coz its damn tiring (yeah, u got a laptop to carry around, while ur mother keeps whining on how slow u r..sheesh..she really does need to try on a laptop bakcpack for once)..but i hope the next holidays would be baggage-less..heh, hopes are never meant to come true now, arent they?

THE END OF JOURNEY EUROPE 2007

Cut & Paste [PART 3] -TheWhiteHoliday-

2007-10-17T01:17:00.000+08:00

So after a week in Italy, the family continued the holiday to another destination, away from the sun, to the high mountaneous Alps, somewhere in the boundaries of Switzerland (long intro, yes, i do realize that i'm overexpressing myself).

Arriving in Geneva, me n da sibling was excited to see snow..though all were dissappointed that snow was no longer there..we rent a car, head towards Leysin (2 hours drive from Geneva, including time spent finding our way after we missed a turn or two).

On the way up, we caught a glimpse of several spots of snow (and i do mean spots). And as a natural Malaysian who has never seen snow in our life, even a stretch of 5x5 metres of snow can excite the very child in us. Imagine what else a bunch of never-seen-snow kids do at the first sight of snow.

But the days that go by later proved to us that snow is just like what u see in tv...its not just a patch of 5x5, but is a whole mountain of em..seriously, everything turns solid white..i swear u could even bring some syrup and creamer and you'll have ur very own ABC stall (mind you, the snow is way smoother n softer than the crushed ice they serve in Malaysia)..
Snowmans..checked! Snowball fights...checked! Fall down the snow and make a mess out of your coats...checked! best of all, throw ur sibling into the snow..checked! So basically, i've covered most of the snow part, except skiing, and make a snow angel (fat guys dont make snow angels...coz the end result will be ugly snow angels)

While in Switzerland, we managed to 'find' our way to several other places that might not interest all of u at all (da main attraction is da snow anyway)..we went to Lausanne (close to Geneva, close to Lac Leman a.k.a Lake Geneva), made a stop to Interlaken (a town situated between two lakes with shops that provides great discounts on items) and we also reached several other places that were mostly stop-over when one of us got dizzy (the roads goes around mountains...)

Heh...the holiday in Switzerland was by far the most relaxing ever..though i could have appreciated more TV channels that cater english language (i watched the winter olympics reruns too many times, not to mention i can virtually memorise the news on CNN for a week)..
So all in all, it was fun in Swiss (my mom was not as hectic as we were in Italy), and i managed to balloon myself even more (Movenpick ice-cream, swiss cheese, chocolates)..heh..guess i'll be needing more exercise..

>>>TO BE CONTINUED

Cut & Paste [PART 2] -MarchToItaly-

2007-10-17T00:48:00.000+08:00

So after i braved the holiday demons, endured the final testing grounds (i have a test juz before i was due to settle all my packing). Nothing nor no one can stop the 'happy' plan laid out by our 'perfect' party planner --- my mom.

The flight to London was a terrible one, considering that i was sitting next to a bloke who doesnt talk much. plus ive watched most of the stuff that they offer during the flight. and it doesnt help the fact that i juz cant sleep when the plane engine is right beside my window bay. Hell of a good time, jolly times. By the time the plane touched down, my heart jumped to the thought of "GET OUT OF THE PLANE NOW OR I'LL DIE OF BOREDOM!!"

So we spent 2 days in London before going to Italy, visited my aunt n uncle in london (the former doin phD, the latter already finished his Masters). Then it's off to Italy.
Be warned that i will only be blogging bout the places i visit in a very short manner (i know all of us loathe the thought of long articles). So here's what I did do in Italy (just highlights of places of interest) :-

1) Assisi - Rocca Maggiore, a couple of basilica (big churches)

2)Perugia - So called Fontana Maggiore

3)Pisa - heck, the name says it all

4)Florence - home of leather, cathedrals, naked statues

5)Roma - Collesseo, Foro Romano, Pantheon, Fontana di Trevi

The above are the places of interest that i traveled with my family, which we got to these places by car (dad was the excellent right-hand side driving, while the two bickering brothers became the Global Positioning Sons)..yes, yet again, me n my bro was the family GPS..we hold the map, we read the road signs, we read the traffic flow..while my mom maintains her statutory position as a 'woman who juz cant wait to get to the place but juz cant find her way to the freaking place'.
weather in italy differs, at ground level it resembles Malaysia, though the cold wind gives freshness when its warm. Higher up (Assisi for instance), i was shiverin while sleeping.

Things you must taste while in Italy (all Halal okay? i still remain a muslim)..vegetarian pizza, italian gelato, italian chocolate. a perfect combination of fat n cellulite to make me grow round n
bubbly.

So after a 6 day stay in Italy, ive had enough of fast cars (highways allow cars n TRAILERS to drive at 130km/h..so speedjunkies, go there n race those VW's and Ferrari's), poor mode of communication (most prefer NOT to talk in English), and also lack of things to do (it gets dark after 5)..so we headed out to Ciampino Airport, saying goodbye to italy.

It was a good holiday (though tainted with constant arguments on where to go n what to do), but the better place to be is Switzerland.

TO BE CONTINUED >>>

Cut & Paste [PART 1]

2007-10-15T18:50:00.000+08:00

Dang..It's been months since i started using blogspot as my blogging platform. But i made one very big mistake :- NOT TRANSFERRING MY IMPORTANT OLD BLOGS INTO THE SYSTEM. Whoa..so stoopid of me. Oh well, guess I'll be doing that tonight. Huh.

[This Post is a copy of my post in Friendster]

I just came back from Europe last Monday. It's been awhile since i last posted anything in my blog, so what the heck. It's not stated anywhere that long blogs is a crime against humanity. The advice of the month is :- "Dont go for a holiday while you have classes, especially when ur lecturer's are those who teaches as fast as a bullet train". Here's the story why the whole moral of the month comes out.

A month before the date of the flight, i was unwillingly forced to confront my mom about the consequences of her action of buyin da friggin plane tickets without further consultation with me. of course a big argument broke out, in which at the end its decided that i have to follow the family to europe. And guess what, since ive been forced to go, i was also forced to brave the demonic lecturers in order to inform them that i'll be gone for 2 whole weeks (dont ever trust your if she says that meeting the Dean will make everything OK, its a bunch of crappy lies that i fell for).

So, there i go, with shields (a metaphor for exemption letters) and swords (my tongue had to be sharp in order to explain) along with raw gut, fighting against a current of neverending waves of fire breathed by the holiday demons. Well, its an exageration, but hell yes, some of the lecturers did become demonic (you know who you are) and some remarkably become saints (you dont know that did you?).

Soon enough, the fires of hell attacked me viciously (words of fire actual), which resounded like. "Your gonna face the consequence", or "You better be thinking clearly after the holidays", or even more disastrous, "It's up to you to decide what is best for you". I can understand the reason they say those 'kind' and 'motivating' words. Heck, if i was a lecturer myself, i'd be pissed off when my students misses my class for the sake of a dumbass holiday. but that if i i am a lecturer, in reality, it never even occured to me to ever be a lecturer of law in UiTM (or other universities for that matter).

and the best part after the scene of 'Braving the Holiday Demons', comes the act of redemption and repentment for my 'sin'. Oh yeah, the repentment part is the best part of all. every single test that i have is crammed into 4 days before the day of departure. what the hell can be better? n to make things much 'exciting', i had to undergo a closed book test while my dear friends taking the test later on were having an open book test. fair enough, the wordings, "your gonna face the consequences" rang in my ear like a gunshot from a double-barrel shotgun.
whoa. nice job landing myself in trouble huh? what can i say, im a master at getting trouble to come to me (as i always have since i was born in August 1987). call me a trouble magnet then.
later on, i'll blog even more bout the time i spent in Italy, Swiss and England. heh. Guess im gonna make this a 4-part submission. If only i was a movie director. then i'd have myself a short script and make millions out of it (hey, goofy malay love movies make millions out of us, so whay cant a goofy holiday script make millions for me?) jus joking.hahaha..

TO BE CONTINUED?>>>>

The Long Winding Road

2007-10-05T01:14:00.000+08:00

Damn. Last i recalled revisiting this place was a month ago. Ive really lost touch with the me who loves to blog about every single details of my non-commercialised life. However it may be, right now i have mixed up feelings ranging from the happy face, to the questionabl face and straight down to the sad face. Life doesnt seem to get any easier for me. The past months have been so darn hectic with so many participation in activities, be it formal or 'informal'.

Studies have been as hard as ever. I have an 'Equity And Trust' lecturer who reads 4 pages of the manual (yes, the study manual..not the textbook) for each 2 hour lecture and talks about Akademi Fantasia in tutorials while making me look like an idiot by not giving any final answer on all those damn-hard past years questions. He's not very helpful in terms of leniency either, as he WANTS you to right in specified paragraph lengths (which is awkward to me) and PERSISTS that we write with Gel-Pen (which i make a mess of). So I'm guessing that i MIGHT be having problems for my final exams.

Land Law is nothing but easy (well i finally understood..damn). At first glance everything was just cases, statute and explanation. Yeah. Life is good. It's like repeating torts and what not. but reality hits back at you hard, and fast. Right now I'm lost in all those pages of statute (darn thick), and I'm tyring my best to pry out answers out of those items that i memorised. Theres just too many things to be remembered, and the fact that the human brain does not function like a computer hard drive makes memorising a near-impossible task. If the brain were more computer-like, i could just delete all those Porno stuffs and those anime items and pre-install the knowledge section of my brain. but heck, that is just a friggin dream.

For some, Administrative Law is damn hard. Yeah, i must admit, it is a challenging paper. Luckily, I havent missed out on any classes with he lecturer. I went to all the tutorials and lectures. So in one sense, im lucky. Coz i can understand the things thats she teaches. But the ahrd thing is to apply all those cases (each section has about 5 cases, need to present at least 3, along with fact and rationale of judgement). Aiyok. Rationale? Facts? judgements? Principles? Jumbled up already. I'm so toast.

Cant complain on criminal law or 'law and politics'. ive been missing out criminal law classes as most of my problems occur just before the tutorial and lecture (somehow the timing is perfect). So I'm the one to be blame for my inadequacy to answer the tests and quiz. And how much can you take from a lecturer who LOVES to talk about himself. A true blue politician. And teaches me 'Law and Politics'. Ouch. not a very good mix. out of the 4 hours im spending in his class, 75% of the crap he talks about are all just about him meeting politicians, artists, kings and all other public figures. Another 5% of the time is spent on him talking bout his contributions in life (funny though, it never did effect me). And the balance is purely academic discussions, usually interrupted by thoughts of somebody tyring to push the idea of socialism (which is bashed directly by me and my mates). Serves you right.

A few days before puasa, I was elected as the Treasurer for the LawSoc. Thanks to all that came that day to support the AGM. Though I did dissappoint many by not competing for presidency, rest assured, im satisfied with the position I am. Presidency is just something i cannot comprehend just yet. I'm still learning the art of leading a big organization. So right now I'm in need of guidance from everyone, to help me build a more prominent character that can not only become the workhorse, but can become a leader of men. I lack a few qualities that is needed in a leader. But I'm very happy that many turned up during the Exco interviews. it was fun watching them answer each and every question (hihihi). May LawSoc achieve a higher level under the new High Commitee, along with the all important Exco's and Ad-Hoc members (WE ARE ALL A FAMILY, A UNIT, A MOVING CAVALRY).

The MPP elections were over last Tuesday (2nd September 2007). And what a relief that it ended. The week before was so damn hectic, with all those dirty politics were going round in circles, everyone trying to bash one another using very unclean ways. Kudos and congratz to one of my best friends, Mohd Rafizi Tahir on his win during the elctions. (Yeah, we did it eventhough all around us were people who tried to bring you down dirty). We passed all that my friend, now it's time for all of us to work towards fulfilling our new found obligation. FOR THE FACULTY OF LAW!!

Did i mention my acoustic guitar is now unusable? Hehe. Got in a 'small' fight with my younger brother. So the instrument that was thrown (unluckily and regretfully) was the guitar i cherished throughout the years i played the guitar (about 4 years i guess..heck..im still no good with solo's). So now I'm left with my electric guitar (I got no cash to spend to buy a new acoustic yet). And guess what. My cable snapped during one those trash type guitar style of play. Owh crap. Now I have a electric guitar which is unplugged. Great. Very smart of me. One good yay for me. ~Yay~

My Neo just reached its 1000km mark last week, and straight i sent it for service. And I enjoyed every single moment when I'm driving it. I know. the lot of ya believe that the proton satria Neo is nothing compared to all those honda civics, bmw m3, or the mercedes SLR (ooo..my dream car..drool..). Bu to heck with your public opinion. I know, the car has its quirks (the first week i got it, i had to send it back to the Service Centre. ECU was faulty, causing major catastrophe to the car). Since then, there havent been any problem. And im pleased to say, im very happy with the car. A more stiffer ride compared to the Terrano (a.k.a Black Brute), much better control compared to the Honda Accord, though not as lush as the Merz. But who cares? I like it. Me like. Though im a bit sad that Proton would be introducing the CPS engine soon. *sob*sob*
Looks like my car will never feel the VTec-like engine huh? After the 1st Service, i asked the guy there to redo my alignment and balancing. And what did i do next after servicing.
"Singgah Petronas, isi Primax-3, pastu tekan minyak kat Guthrie highway cam orang gile!"
Hahaha. YES! I raced my car during that evening with a stock Toyota Vios. Hehehe. reached the 170km/h mark, but my car was blocked but one stupid Kia Carnival. So i couldnt push the car to its actual limit. But damn Its fun. Hehehe. but i wont be repeating that act for a very long time. :P

Hurm. What else can I say bout my life huh? I dunno. other than those item above, i feel that other stuff are not as significant. As if nothing is meant. Owh yeah, except that right now I'm bored with my life. I seriously need to change my routine to something more exciting and enticing. Ok then, new resolution formed :- Get a new life. The road ahead of me is a winding one. One that can lead me to many junctions. One that may make or break me. And i hope each time i step on the Pedal of my Car called Life, i follow the right signage to reach my final destination :- "PURE HAPPINESS"

"With downcast eyes, there's more to living than being alive"

Out Of The Glass Room, On The Tarmac

2007-09-08T02:03:00.000+08:00

Ok, it's been a while since i last posted anything. Lemme check. Hurm. Yeah, it's been A LONG,LONG TIME from the last post i made. I've been busy lately. Too busy for my own good to be exact. HAHA. But then again, it made me realize that sometimes all this shit happens for a reason and those reasons give meanings to the life i walk through. Not everything has been a bed of roses though. Been through rough times too, and I duely appreciate those that really understood me during those times that i went all berserk on you guys. I WILL pay you guys back one day one way or another.

Was involved with the Inter-Part Moot Competition again. This time around, the team was wiser (heck, we all finished studying Contract and Tort). During the prelims, me and partner Shaqib was a bit dissapointed to learn that we had to present the case without our 'missing' opponent. And the judge was none other than the dreaded, demanding and very argumentatiuve --- Mr.Nazim! the respondent part of team (Zizah n Saleh) did exceptional too, bashing the newbies (kudos for those newbies for being brave enough to join moot!). For the semi and the final, me n Shaq lost both drawing of lots, resulting the respondent team to bring the case. Was a bit dissapointed at that time, coz' both of us were damn eager to hit back at the judge without thinking twice on the title ' Yang Arif'. We eventually lost to the Part One students in the finals (i still CANNOT comprehend why our team lost that day when the winner was bombarded with everything in this world without the capability to do anything more than just spontaneous joke reply on the law). But a round of applause to the main-woman of the team, Yasmin for staying up 15 hours straight to finish the memorials ON TIME. And congratulations to Zizah on the best mooter award.

Done with moot, was the Land Law test (the very next day!). The truth is, I studied while sleeping, so guessing from scientifical studies, I was reading with my eys shut resulting from to the incapacity to answer all those silly straightforward questions. I did manage to scrape some points out, which LUCKILY hit the friggin jackpot. 20/30. Not that shabby, but still on the borderline of failing to answer. Heh.

31st of August was Independence Day for Malaysia. SO, me n my girl decided to go on a VERY long date starting from 8pm on the 30th (Thursday), took a lil break from 6am-2pm Saturday (31st) and continued to KL after the Jumaat prayers. It was so freaking awesome! Most people see me dating in campus everyday, thinking I am on a real date. Fact is, 45 minutes a day does not constitute a date people. We just meet up during lunch breaks (in which both of us opened our bookes while joking around), and meet up for a quick dinner before returning back to our respective homes. And on that Independence Day, is the first time i went to Midvalley with my girl since the beginning of the semester. No kidding. Bought her a new pink sweater (she's been nagging on-and-on about it) which is really cute when she wears it (I know, my eyes are blinded by her). She even induced to buy a new t-shirt (this girl is very cheeky, but i love her!). We planned on catching a movie together, but due to the fact that the cue was freaking long (did i mention the cue looks like an anaconda, a long anaconda). To me, the time i spent with her is not enough, coz it's times like this that i look back whenever i feel so darn depressed with my studies. We wanted to go out again on Sunday, but I was to take my Criminal Law test on that day (yes, my lecturer's do organize tests during public holidays). So we dumped the idea of going out, instead we went out for lunch after my test.

The past class week (3rd Sept - 8th Sept) was nothing less then any of the above. In fact, it was way hectic. Assignments, tutorial questions, and the lectures were practically pushing my nerve to its very limits. She understood though, and chose not to complain about my unavailability to keep her company. And the week to come is not that kind either. And willing to bet that throughout the whole month, there will be tests conducted each and every single week. So again, I'm another busy bee, trying to sting myself to death.

Sarcasm aside, it's been more than one month ago since the family forged the suggestion ( and i use 'forged' coz rarely my dad would have his mind set on one matter for a period more tha one month) to buy me a new car. It would be my White Knight, a smaller brother to the Black Brute I'm driving at the moment. And today, 8th Sept 2007 is the day I went to the Proton Showroom and got the keys for my new ride. Yeah Baby! The baby ride of the family is finally here!

Met up with Asrol, the dealer of my new ride. He gave one R3 keychain (heh, i asked about the price of it a day earlier hoping to buy it, but he gave it for free!). Checked on the condition of the car. Everything seems ti be fine, except for the gas cover where the paint was scratched a bit (damn plastic materials!). But everything else seems to be in order, so we went through the checklist (while my mom nags about the quality of the finish of the car), made sure every single lightbulb is functioning, every single mechanism is up and running, and went for a lil joyride before signing the handover documents. Finally, after a month long wait, it's finally mine to bring home!

It was a sweet cruise home. It was close to 815pm. Since i turned on the lights, the console illuminates blue. Damn cool. It was awesome. Driving my very own first car (half owned actually as i will be paying once i start working) was a pleasure. More over when the car is something that I truely want, the feeling just absorbs deep into my veins. The way it turns and moves is just so phenomenal. If the Black Brute was the symbol untamed raw power, the White Knight is the contrast to it. Its a beast, waiting to be released (if the engine is modified that is). So now I'm juz hoping i can reach the 1000km service within the next month.

Now I'm hoping that this hype will end in a couple of hours. Need to return back to earth after blasting off to Mars. (HAHAHAHA).

My Black Baby Is Back On The Tarmac, Still Waiting For My White Knight

2007-08-12T03:10:00.000+08:00

Disastrous Thursday, 09/AUG/2007.
I woke up with a sense of pure happiness, as i have no class on that morning. The next scheduled class is at 1400, so i started the day with light jog round the neighbourhood. Made sure i was sweating like hell, then cleaned the dust of the cars of the house, the slick Honda and the elegant Merz.

Surprise2, Mom came downstairs, retrieving her car keys, and telling me to wait for my Black Baby since it's gonna come back after the fateful accident during the Holidays (July 2007 will never be forgotten, 3 palm trees down, blown tyres, wrecked rim). So I spent the whole morning after idling in my room, imagining as positively as i can on how the 4x4 would look like. I scorned at times when i thought the car would look so damn hideous or such.

1230 PM. Still no sign of Black Baby (now due to imagination run wild, aliased as Black Ugly). I was sweating a bit, worried about how much it would cost to fix the damages. I still remember the bent fenders, the spoiled headlights, the incarcerated bullbars, everything that went wrong that night was so clear to me. Started to put on my clothes, pack my books, while my mind wandered away. A knock on the door. The mechanic came by, informing i have to pick the ride by myself. So i went along with him to the workshop.

While getting to Padang Jawa, the Mechanic (Ah Kee for short), told me I was lucky to get out of that crash alive. The guys back at the workshop could not believe that I hit 3 palm trees WITHOUT breaking my windscreen. I was told that the chassis had to pulled in order to straighten what was dented. Horrible as it is, he said if i drove a smaller car that night, I might have ended up dead, not to mention an ugly death. Still I'm unable to explain to everyone why the crash happened. Allah is almighty. The power of Allah is unpredictable. Allah makes us see things that are not there. Allah destined everything. And our prayers are the only barriers we have to make sure we dont enrage him. Allah totaled my ride, but kept me alive to learn that to live is not only to breathe, but to take responsibility to breathe and live according to the guidance that Allah laid down. And what happened that night, can only be explained by Allah. Until now, I cannot give an answer.

Arriving at the workshop, i glanced in a fashion of a boy trying to find his mother in a crowd of people. Cars everywhere, some there for modifications, some there for repairs, and some are left to waste. I feared that mine would look like the Wira up in front, which was functional, but all the accessories were left useless. And there it is, my Black Baby (Ugly), and there it was, the first signs of the accident :- A cracked rear window guard, an imitation rim mounted on the spare tyre bay. A side angle inspection revealed more surprises :- dented mudguards, dented top chassis, loose speaker housing, scratched door. I braved myself to go in front, and the nightmare materialized :- no bullbars.

I asked for the key, started the 4x4, then drove it outside. And i instantly knew, the feeling is different. It's no longer the smooth running Black Baby. It grunts like hell, it shakes as if a couple is making love at the luggage area, it rocks when it hit bumpers. It's now transformed into the Black Brute (I'm trying to stay positive here!), a speeding metal deathtrap that's hard on the drive, hard on the ride, but damn great to intimidate small cars. It's now a true 4x4, no longer the luxury Nissan Terrano that I drove. No, the ride felt no longer cushioned as the plush Harrier (Harrier's are not meant for rough ride, sissy!), the clutch required extra force to be pushed, and the engine howls like an angry wolf.

But as a 'temporary' owner, I made ammends to my ride by giving it what it needed most -- a fuel tank refill. I though payin rm80 would give it some satisfaction, but heck NO! The reserve tank is empty, and once im done refuelling, indicator showed was only HALF FULL. This car is starting to show its hatred towards me. I started my drive to campus, but the car seemed reluctant to move, as if its comfortable with its one month stay in the workshop. Gear transmission was hard, and at times i nearly mistimed the cluth and gear change. I was close to a dead engine coming into a junction.

Back home, I gave Black Brute the thing it needed most, a cleanup. Mind you, it looked Ugly with all the dust and oil, not to mention the watermarks left under the hood. The next day, I restored the speaker housing to its original condition, though not of the best looking work, I'm satisfied that it no longer dangles precariously looking as if it would fall off at the slightest bump. Cleared out the interior of any debris, and gave the engine some extra radiator fluid along with the needed refill for the washer reservoir.

You know, it sucks to see the car that we drive totaled and feels different when it got back to us, the drivers. SO, moral of the story:- DO NOT RAM ANY 4X4 INTO ANY SORT OF TREE!

Right now I'm waiting for a new addition to the trio of rides. A ride I can call my own later on (coz I'll be paying for the car once i graduate---it's a 7-year loan repayment program). I went against all odds. People told me of defects, of problems of that ride. People opt me to buy MyVi, persuaded me to go for MyVi SE, some even proposed that i drive a ViVa. I considered, I was captured by MyVi, at first. Then i decided to test drive. And I'm sorry to displease all those opinion givers. I thank you for the sincere comments and ideas, but MyVi, although cost friendly and so-called quality controlled, i opt for the Knight in White, coz me likey the handling and feel of drive. I dont wanna care bout passenger comfy, coz firstly, its MY ride, and none to interfere. Secondly, I'm not gonna haul a truckload of kids as I'm still studying, so it DOES suit me you old-timers. Thirdly, it looks much more sexy compared to a MyVi SE, eventhough it's roof is like 2" away from my head (yes, I know it's a bit low), but i dont care coz it looks stunning. And this might be my only chance of driving a 2-door hatchback. So give me a break, and just accept my decision, Proton-basher / MyVi-lover.

The new baby of the family is due to arrive sometime next week. Loan has been approved, though i feel dumbfounded coz they just launched an R3 version yesterday in MidValley. Planned on buying one before purchasing the Knight, but when Mother asked me why R3 and I told her 'truthfully' that i want it for speed and looks, Mother turned down the R3 version. No worries. I'm still studying, so its no wonder that I'm not driving a speed machine anytime soon. But 3 years from now,the warrranty period will be over, and at that point, I might already have startted working. It will not be a surprise if i add a few more armor to the exterior to match the R3 concept, and make some tweaks in its weapons to follow the GTi driving experience. I'm still waiting for 3 years ahead.

Right now, it's back to my studies, back to reality, back to the objective of getting good results, and the goal of obtaining a hig-paying job. And at that time, no warranty to bar me, no more Motherly-authority to govern my actions. That will be the time my White Knight turns evil. I already have plans for Black Brute later, but that depends on what time might reveal in the future. Til then, still waiting for my White Knight to drive me home with the looks to kill.

Revelations Of Fourteen Days

2007-07-28T15:00:00.000+08:00

The 2nd week of the new semester is already gone, along with some precious time spent hearing to long lectures, filled with sarcastic jokes and often reminders of when he next real test will be administered. Though it's the same basic law, unluckily going deeper into specialized subjects is killing life out of my life. So mucb for living when i'm slowly dying. HAHA.

Anyhow, this semester is a bit relaxed and slow moving compared to the last one. For awkward reasons, eventhough i know i've been taking my studies too hard, its not as hard as i pushed myself last semester. i do miss the old me sometimes. The me who is always determined to do better than before. How have i changed since last semester, when i was still yound and naive.

I'm expecting my car (yes, the four wheeled, mafia painted, big fuel consuming 4x4) to leave the workshop around in next week. its been so boring without a car to drive. I've been borrowing my dad's car to get to places, but its fun driving a Honda for a change. I wouldnt if he'd like to trade the Honda for mine :P. Having no car means i can no longer manage my own timetable, all depends on the availability of cars. No constant tennis, no hanging out, no flirting with my girl, and most importantly:- NO NIGHT OUTINGS. So to all of you guys who only have one accessible car out of at home, dont wreck that car, no matter how much you want a new car. You'll somehow regret the feeling of wasted time spent lying on bed doing nothing in particular.

For some reason, I got stuck in the Law And Politics class with a person who somehow comes from LALA Land and started the idea of everything is pure and white. The idea of anarchy government,pointed out by this guy, seems to be interesting. Imagine, a world where everyone gives and lives according to necessity, not luxury. Hurm..nice little world, but a tiny problem - There is no way on earth that human beings will start being so voluntary and nice to each other to the point of giving away what they have for the sake of others. Sometimes certain humans are not realizing the true nature of this world, "eat, or be eaten". So to those who are still dreaming on creating an ideal goverment that compliments an ideal world of loving humans, do consider the fact that somehow somewhere, there's a power hungry authority out to eat you up while your dreaming away in LALA Land. Wake up now, before it's too late.

The Famiglia is in a middle of a crisis. Though not the crisis of broken family institutions, it's a crisis of moving (again, i do classify my family as nomadic wanderers). The Boss is getting tired of his job, so it would be a surprise if the Famiglia moved again. The plan is either Johore or Singapore (the latter being my personal favourite, "Yay, dok oversea!!", but only time can tell which path is opened up for the Boss. Huh.

Finally, after 3 months of trying to lose weight, i did it. Though not by a very big margin, it did go down. And im freaking happy bout it. Hah! In your face critics!

The End Of Something Ugly

2007-06-29T16:08:00.000+08:00

9 days left to count the seconds away. 9 days before the beginning of a brand new hectic semester, which along the way brings me closer towards the edge of mental insanity that ive been able to control during the holidays. 9 more days before i get to meet the one i love most, ive been missing her for the past two months. 9 more days before i can meet my buddies, the ones that went through hell with me and escaped with minimal damage (maybe).

But heck, the holidays has been a complete jinx on me. One after another shit blows over my head, as if im da very problem magnet of the world. But heck, some people got hit harder, but im still gonna complain. It is MY personal blog. My handphone got haywired coz the software is now corrupted. My car is at the workshop, god knows when its gonna be repaired. My earphone snapped when my lil bro accidentally yanked it out of the jack. Nothing is ever right during my Holidays. Dats y i termed it as Hellidays. Several lessons were learnt during the hols, since shit happens for a reason.

Firstly : always buy an original memory card for your handphone, coz 2nd grade memory card corrupts your phone software, which in turn results in the fateful decision to send your phone for a complete check (21 days).

Secondly: do not drive out when your mom tells not to. coz things make take a complete turn towards disaster. seriously, 'things' tend to crawl out og the dark and disturb your view at night.

Third: Do not let any of your siblings who are prone to destroy fragile items touch electrical gadgets and equipments as it might be destroyed while your not looking.

This hellidays also took several turns of events. One of the more memorable is the addition of a new family member to my tennis gear, and the departure of one (sob, I sold my first racket to a friend, as it no longer serves a function to me. Better to let it roam free at the hands of a new owner). Now my gear is left with 2 Htour (midsize and oversize), and 1 2nd-hand nCode nTour.

Also worth to be remembered is the Transformers Premiere Screening.HAH! I watched it!! And so must you all!! Its kick-ass enjoyable. Tis the first i want to watch the same movie twice or thrice. Imagine a non movie goer like me wanting to see more of a moview (non Transformers fan might find the movie a bit daunting, but who cares!!) The CGI was damn impressive, robot design is so darn cool. Watch it! WATCH IT!!

A House or Home?

2007-06-20T03:29:00.000+08:00

“Young man, let me ask you, when u grow up, what would you build? A house or a home?”

I heard these words from an acquaintance of my mother while we were on the way to the immigrations office. Mr. Selva had a happy face on him, a face that shows how contempt he is with his life. He works for the immigration, where the pay is not equivalent to the work that he does. He told me that he was offered a job in SHEN, a law firm that is willing to pay him salaries at 5-digit values. I wondered why he turned them down. If it was me, I would jump to that opportunity, gaining as much wealth as I can because I realized, even though money couldn’t buy happiness, it can give me luxury.

With his words kept repeating in my mind, I listened to the conversation that occurs later between the oldies in the car. Everything that they said are all things of the usual, such as morality, the abuse of power, the effect of being a corrupted individual, well, everything that I can learn in any self motivation lecture. But somehow what they said that day, it might be the words that they chose to say those things, it made a very big impact on me for hours to come.

I confess that deep in my heart, I lust for items that are called sinful to some (as most of it is a waste of money). I lust for a big house, I lust for a big car, I lust for a perfect partner, and most importantly, I lust for a perfect life. Everybody wants that. I know its already programmed deep within our mind and heart, that we, as normal humans, what to attain wealth of the highest degree, that can ‘buy’ us happiness for years to come. We envy at the sight of watching a brand new Mercedes SLR cruising down the street, we envy the big castles built at hillsides, we envy people who strums the fret of a quality custom made guitar, we envy to have everything that others have. All of us have our desire, different as it might be from each other, there is still something common to all of our deepest desire:- It is only for ourselves, until sometimes we do not acknowledge those that care about us.

As the words kept on exchanging between the driver and the front passenger, more and more wisdom from the elderly seeps into me. I was like a dry land, suffering from draught, and the knowledge is like the rain, and it seeps into really fast as if I’ve been empty all this while. The next thing I knew, I began to realize how ignorant I am to people around me. I desired to be loved, longed to be among the people I belong to, until sometimes I hurt the people who was always there for me. I expected too much from the people around me, without me realizing my own imperfections, thinking that my reasoning is the only thing correct in the world. As my lecturer would say, “a negotiator who won’t budge from his position is a hard negotiator”.

Yes, I am a hard negotiator. I wanted everything to be in my point of view, to be in what I have dreamt and desired. And I have been that way without even realizing it, without caring about its consequences on those around me. Yes, I am now the blind in this world. I am now blind to what to be done to make up for my insolence. I feel humility as if I’ve been thrown into a circus as a freak show. I feel sad realizing how little I know about the way God governs our life and how far I’ve been away from His blessings. And yes, only now I realized that I am not the only one in the world trying to make a living and finding a place to belong to.

When the officer handed me my passport, all that I can think of at that precise moment is the words of Mr. Selva. And thus I come to my new resolution. A resolution that I know will bring me out of my darkness and into the path of enlightenment, if I hold steadfast to this resolution of course. The lust within me was still there, it wont go away. The envy is also there to stay. But now I do not lust for thing material, or envy at possessions of the world. My resolve, is to lust for a home, and to envy a satisfied human. Right now, I promise myself, that I shall no longer be the boy I was, as I am now a man, who is responsible in building not only a house, but a home where everyone will feel a sense of belonging, security and peace. Material items still comes second though.

Hoobastank ; "If Only"

I thought it wasn't wrong,

To hide from you,

Simple truth.

I was scared,

I felt it all along,

But it hurt to much for me, to share.

Finally understand,

Why things have happened,

And how it all could go so wrong.

Will this pain ever end?

'cause I don't think I can carry on.

If only I, had been less blind.

I'd have someone to hold on to.

If only I, could have spoke my mind,

If only it were true,

We could start brand-new

I know I'll make it through

If only I had you!..

What justification suffices for our actions?

2007-06-20T03:17:00.000+08:00

THE RED JUMPSUIT APPARATUS
"Justify"

Justify, your secrecies that surmise your cries
I see the way you look around the bend is it going to end, when?

NOt everything is this world can be justified juz by the act of us explaining the reason we did it in the first place rite? well, maybe, but thats what i learned today when people starts questioning me on the 'why' and 'what' of all my actions...seriously folks, everyday we live in a world where the people may pass judgement upon you at the first sight of your appearance or even what u do..and to me its sumthing that all of us have to put up with, the scrutinizing eyes of the public who enjoys criticism and commentaries...

what am i babbling again?..ok..justification...how can we be sure that what we do is justified by our reason?will our reason be declared logical and rational to everyone?will there be any person opposing our rationale?and must we have the approval of everyone is this whole wide world before we do sumthing?..

each human has its own attitude towards a subject matter, and im not excluded..but still, a question that lingers in my mind is whether the justification we make for our actus reus suffices..take a situation..a person murders his best friend becoz he found out that friend of his has been sleeping with his wife for example..the killer justifies his actions by saying:- "hey, this guy's been making a fool out of me, ruining my marriage, and now im juz making things right"..well, in legal sense, the killers action is considered as unlawful..but say ur in his position..what would u do coming back home after a hard day at work seeing him cheating you..dont ask for my opinion, coz i would juz shot that friend along with my wife..both deserved it..but this kind of justification does not suffice rite?

so who in the world can really say that wat we did suffices with the justification dat we gave?and why is this authority binding to all of us?and dont tell me to ask the Almighty, as He never gives answers in a direct way (im a bit ignorant to the signs that He gives sumtimes)...does it come down to the public policy to determine if our justification is in line with our previous action?..a question to pondered upon...well, it seems just fine to juz kill the person who cheated you..hahahah..im really out of my mind tonite...peace

The USFTA, The Conspiracies, The Impact [READ MALAYSIANS]

2007-06-20T03:11:00.000+08:00

What I'm talking about today is something formal that i've been reading about for the past several days. Not another of my complaints about life. but this is the reality when those with power and authority exercise that privilege to the point that they are abusing it. Information is abundance in our modern cyber world, and right now i'm doin all i can to educate myself all other members of the public to realise the current issue that's bugging not only the back of my mind, but the minds of every single industry players that have heard about the US FTA, which stands for US Free Trade Agreement.

Ive mentioned before in my recent posts (my ramblings about my puny life) that nothing in this world comes for free. Well, this is where some of that self-made principle can be applied. Reading articles online (which is always a biased information), it seems that this so called Free Trade Agreements (FTA) is VERY beneficial to the countries that decides to join in. According to the principles FTA, every country that signs the piece of document is allowed to enter freely into the American market without having to go through the strict procedure that is laid down at the moment. Positively, some may take it as an opportunity to create more jobs, to gain more investing space, and a place to garner more wealth for the rich and those with the capacity to trade outside of their own country.

But in exchange for these "opportunities", the countries are bound to allow the Americans to infiltrate deep into their market. The same rule applies, American companies are to be allowed to 'freely' trade in the country. Call it a win-win situation, as most will call it. But my dear friends, as i mentioned time and time again, nobody in this world is wiling to give things for free. In each content of a signed document there must be a malicious intent to gain something more out of it.

I will not talk about the other countries where this FTA will take effect. But i will be discussing about the current situation in our country, specifically, Malaysia.FYI, the next FTA meeting in Malaysia (this the third actually) will start on the 30th october until the 3rd November. Its goal is to lead the Malaysian representative to agree with their terms. On the surface everything looks beneficiary to both parties.

never look at things at surface value. Look deep. Look hard. then we'll see how actually this FTA will not benefit our country's economic growth:-

The benefits that we'll gain is undoubtly printed largely. But rules pertaining to key industries which America has already monopolied since the beginning is not going to be in our favour. Take the medical side of things. Patents on medicines right now is valued for 20 years. But FTA wants to increase that patent value to 26 years, and they want to impose a term called "Data Exclusive", which prevents our pharmacuetical industry from creating a generic drug directly after the patent period is over. A minimum of 3-4 years is required for the drugs to be manufactured again in our country. And in that 3-4 years span, trust me the price for a panadol can increase three-fold, causing economic turmoil (we're talking about billions of ringgit).
The question that arises then is why should we be worried with only certain industries be effected when others are left with oppotunities to flourish. Dear friends, let me tell you all something. There's nothing in this world we can offer to a power that already owns almost everything. They say they're going to give us market space for agricutural products, for electronics. But do they depend on the computer chips made from our country when they can manufacture it themself? Do they demand algricultural products from Malaysia when they can import it in bulk at a lesser price from other countries? Do they really need Malaysian textile when they have the HQ of Nike,Adidas, and other designer products? Lets just think about that for a moment.

Note ladies and gentlemen that it is not them that depends on us. but it is us who is now in their strangle hold. you see, the deal is that, if you sign the agreement, you'll open the nation's market to opportunity of quick cash (with the economic implication coming up 15-20 years later) and surely our country will fall into a state of depency on the US market. or we could opt not to sign that agreement, and the US will impose a higher tax on everything that we export to them. be it either side that we take, its a losing situation for our country. FTA brings nothing but more america's propaganda to control the world trade market.

Not to blame our government on not disclosing the facts and figures to the public. im not blaming any party who wants to take the advantage of making easy money (but remember folks, money, when easy come, it easily goes too). and its never in my intention to put the burden of proof to other parties. but its the truth that must be known by all Malaysians about the current situation of our country, what our government has to go through. not to say im supporting the governing party too, because i know that among the representative chosen to be 'our' voice in this matter are those with the 'special' position and those who are looking at the 'bright' side of things. But please dear friends, dont be so blinded by what is layed in front of our eyes. it's true that we can do nothing to stop the negotiations, but i'll tell one thing that we can do.

that is to stall each and every minute of negotiation until June 2007. thats because after that particular date, the Bush administration will no longer be commanding this so called 'crusade' as the congress will start questioning Bush's authority. So please, i plead to all that is reading, pass this meager knowledge to those that are close to you. Make them be informed. make them be ready for the consequences. Make them be sure that whatever the government chose to do, we the people are well prepared for things that will come. And to those who can send my thoughts to the administration of our beloved malaysia, please tell them to be a bit more transparent on matters that relates to the interest of the citizens. I am not blin, thus i do not like to be in the dark on matters that concerns my future, or the future of my family and friends.
Yours truly, -VanguardDread-

Meant for so much more, losing ourself along the way

2007-06-20T03:08:00.000+08:00

Switchfoot:- Meant To Live

Fumbling his confidence
And wondering why the world has passed him by
Hoping that he's bid for more than arguments
And failed attempts to fly, fly

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside

Dreaming about Providence
And whether mice or men have second tries
Maybe we've been livin with our eyes half open
Maybe we're bent and broken, broken

We want more than this world's got to offer
We want more than the wars of our fathers
And everything inside screams for second life, yeah

Sounds kinda sweet u know, "We were meant to live for so much more, have we lost ourselves?"..how can we interpret the meanings anyway? in a cynical view (which is my view) each and everyone of us who walks across the land we call Earth are meant to become greater than what we are now..ive heard a learned old man told me; "dont lose track of ur foresight, as u might also lose ur highest achievement"..how far is the saying is true, i dont know..coz ive lost most of my foresight, and now im seeking another foresight...whether or not i'll reach da top, dat remains to be known to me, and to everyone around me..

have i lost myself?yeah, a couple of times..i lost track of where i should go (this happens to everyone rite) one time or another, and sumtimes leads me to paths dat i shouldnt have crossed (heck, humans learn through mistake)..but for the moment, im satisfied for not losing my way from my ultimate goal..for the time being..let us all pray dat none of us will lose our way in our struggle to reach the top dat all of us have dreamed and rightfully belong to..

so long as we keep our minds clear of any distractions, never shall we deviate from the path laid down so clearly, but indirectly, in front of all of us..with a good faith at heart, rest assured that the powers above will help us achieve what we are meant to be, without losing our true nature, without losing our sanctity nor dignity..do not cross the passage of deceit nor lies, as it may bring us to the very top without much hardship, but falling from dat position makes us feel 100 years of endless pains and sufferings, losing people dat we care around us..dont lose ourselves juz for something dat is meant for us..believe in what we can achieve, and achieve it in a fitful way...

Lose Yourself To The Moment, Seize That One Day

2007-06-20T02:42:00.000+08:00

Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over
Trials in life, questions of us existing here, don't wanna die alone without you here
Please tell me what we have is real

I quote this line from Avenged Sevenfold (A7X), "Seize The Day"

heck it means so much to me nowadays..yeah, i do regret the times that i lost doing stupid stuffs, when i should be studyin or enjoyin, yeah, made a lot mistakes this couple of years..reflecting back i did more play compared to work..is it juz me doing it or does everybody else do it?how i wish i can go back in a time machine, meet the old me, smile sinisterly in front of dat me, and give a punch or two so that me in the past would work harder..n not put me of the future in the position i am now...well that aint gonna happen in reality. Not even to any of us, except for those who had realized and learned from our past mistakes.

All we humans ever wanted was just to seize that moment in time in which we shine above the rest, to secure the moment in our grasp, to gain that utter feeling of ultimate satisfaction, as if we had done something that the whole world (or at least those close to you) should know. We sometimes crave for the applause of others for the part we had played in our daily drama. But being humans, once we seize that moment, we never do seem to let it shine out the best, or maybe we did shine, but we never really were that satisfied huh? Humans, are basically, animals that are hard to satisfy. The hunger for more of what we yearn for is far greater than the famine of those in desert lands. We are all but humans, seizing that one moment of greatness, and after that, we either live to cherish that moment, or to regret for not being able to utilize the moments true potential. Which path will we choose then? A question that only time has the answer for.

You better lose yourself in the music
The moment you own it you better never let it go, oh
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Cuz opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo

taken from Eminem's "Lose Yourself"...yeah, i know i cant turn back time (unless i turn that dial behind that clock, i can turn back time on the clock, not THE world clock)..so lets just lose myself in what i have now...enjoy what i can, n make every use of any opportunity that comes at hand,be it good or,urm..bad?life is filled with laughs n cries, so i dont think its wrong for me to taste bitterness in enjoyin sumthing aite?hohoho...the revolves yet again around us, engaging us on a new journey every passing day. Let us all drown ourself in what we have to feel right now, be satisfied (no matter how hungry we are for more of that wonderful moment when we outshine others) even if we have to fake it, and live our life as it should be, BY MOVING FORWARD.

again, im sleepng late, time for me to logout, n face the call of the pillow

Black And White

2007-06-20T02:27:00.000+08:00

Unconsciously, this evening i realized that the world is divided into two colours; black and white. of course there are also the seven colours of the rainbow n also da colours created by passing of light through a prism..

black n white; some may interpretate it as a formal contract, or a letter...but to me, its more than juz colours or any memorandum of understanding, its the way we humans categorize things following our own manner..

sadly, sumtimes the manner of how we distinguish between things that we like and what we dont like can directly or indirectly hurt another person..truth be told, sumtimes even i do that too, avoiding myself from the lesser desirable group, n tryin to fit in into a group that i feel i can belong too..

the same goes to the problem of racism, we always look at our differences n mock each others beliefs, faith, n culture..sumtimes we cant accept the understanding of another n we want what we believe to prevail above the other..its like painting black and white on the same parch on canvas, both colours are contrary to each other, one is dark in essence, the other bright in presentation..

but we gotta understand, that even if there is a distinct line dat separates between black and white; our culture and their culture, the picture on the canvas can ONLY be interesting to look at if it has different colours..dat black n white can be bridge with the colour GREY..and understand that when u have a mixture, i creates an even more amusing scenario for everyone to see on that parch of canvas..

we were created as equals, we will live as equals,n in the end we shall return to the heavens as equals..that is where we humans stand in the eyes of our creator..we are no more than loyal subjects to our beliefs, and if we can respect each other, i believe there will no longer be black and white in this world...but a mixture of neon lights n spray paints, which are more colourful, more attractive, more interesting...

Will We Ever Be Good Enough?

2007-06-19T12:31:00.000+08:00

A Coach Carter once questioned his basketball team : "What's your deepest fear?". The line lingered in my head as something straight forward. What do i fear?Heck should i know..authority maybe, or maybe my own imperfections. What do we all fear? Power surpassing the human imagination, the power of god? or do we all fear of death?. One little questions, yet so many answers ran through my head at the same time. But no clear answer that satisfies my thirst for a more complex answer.

Suddenly, one Timo Cruz stood up and answered the question set forth by his coach. As expected in any movies that is filled with motivational message, his answer astounded me.
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others" -Timo Cruz

That was his exact answer. I guess it does makes some sense when i look back at his answer. For once, i do realize that the light inside me is the thing that i most fear. The positivity in me, is my own fear. fear of not to face it, but fear of letting that positive side of me go to waste. Maybe im talking crap tonight, maybe im again rambling about things that are personal to most, but through my own interpretation, i find peace in my head that has not been there since i ruined the image of me. The fear of facing my true potential, the fear of not shining among the best, fear of not believing in myself when i need to. I never did grew out of the cocoon called children. I never did mature enough to become a man who stands up to his words by his actions. Instead i stay trapped in my own world, a world where everything i do is right to me. A place where i find refuge against the tidings of this world. Never to overcome any obstacle by myslef, never to find solutions to all the questions around me. When will i ever grow?

And one Sean dialouged with a genius boy named Will Hunting:

"So if I asked you about art, you'd probably give me the skinny on every art book ever written. Michelangelo, you know a lot about him. Life's work, political aspirations, him and the pope, sexual orientations, the whole works, right? But I'll bet you can't tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You've never actually stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling; seen that. If I ask you about women, you'd probably give me a syllabus about your personal favorites. You may have even been laid a few times. But you can't tell me what it feels like to wake up next to a woman and feel truly happy. You're a tough kid. And I'd ask you about war, you'd probably throw Shakespeare at me, right, "once more unto the breach dear friends." But you've never been near one. You've never held your best friend's head in your lap, watch him gasp his last breath looking to you for help. I'd ask you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet. But you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn't know what it's like to be her angel, to have that love for her, be there forever, through anything, through cancer. And you wouldn't know about sleeping sitting up in the hospital room for two months, holding her hand, because the doctors could see in your eyes, that the terms "visiting hours" don't apply to you. You don't know about real loss, 'cause it only occurs when you've loved something more than you love yourself. And I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much. And look at you... I don't see an intelligent, confident man... I see a cocky, scared shitless kid. But you're a genius Will. No one denies that. No one could possibly understand the depths of you. But you presume to know everything about me because you saw a painting of mine, and you ripped my fucking life apart"

A difference between knowledge and experience, as laid in the story of "Good Will Hunting". I might not say that i know everything in life, but it relates to me in a way that i am always cocky about what i know. But in essence i hide behind my knowledge from the lack of wisdom inside of me. I talk as i if know everything,but at the same time all my words means nothing. And at certain points, most words uttered by me are pointless. Dont we all utter senseless conversation filled with empty words that brings forth empty meanings? arent we all in essence talking of nonsense when we try to make hypothesis about somebody else's life? When shall our typical mind can be compared to likes of Aristotle, Iskandar Dzulkarnain and many others who walked the Earth long before us? Shall we all reflect those words to ourselves and realize where we stand in the might of others?

Heh, my words means nothing to all that reads. Well, nonetheless, im only pouring my thoughts.
But some words can never get out of my head.

"Sometimes we chase sumones shadow too much that we cant see the person standing in front of us"

A friend of mine spoke this words in a cafe one day. And its been stuck in my head ever since. not that i never heard those lines before, but sumhow it struck the chords at that time and the chords kept ringing deep inside me like bassline.

I confess ive been chasing sumones shadow. a shadow that i may never capture at all, because da person is juz too far-fetched. Im never gonna be good enough to be alongside an angel. im no religious zealot to be accompanied by angels. i know where i stand. but still i keep tryin to capture that ever elusive shadow, disregarding everything else, or anyone else, that could have been in front of me. Am i just to blinded by my own fantasy that i have been denyin da reality that lays before my two pitch black eyes? heh..maybe i am blinded..but i hold to the words of Sean again:-

"You're not perfect sport, and let me save you the suspense, this girl you've met she's not perfect either. But the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other."

I am not perfect. But to me the is the Angel that perfect? And where do i find the answer of whether we are perfect for each other?and how can ascertain this perfection?how do i measure it?is it pure perfection as shown by the perfect symmetry of a circle when cut at its center? or can it juz a semi-perfect match, where the possibilites of being perfect or not collides against each other? Or should i juz giveup and start looking up to the horizon for a vision of others who really do care about me?i juz cant answer any of these questions as i do not hold all the answer to the universe. Another problem to ponder upon when da next self-reflection thoughts come.

Lifehouse: "Good Enough"
It seems the more we talk
The less I have to say
Let's put our differences aside
I wanted to make you proud
But I just got in your way
I found a place that I can hide
Now everything is changing
But I still feel the same
Are we running out of time

What do I have to do
To try to make you see
That this is who I am
And it's all that

I can be I tried to find myself
Looking inside your eyes
You were all that I wanted to be
There must be something else
Behind all the lies
That you wanted me to believe
Now everyone is saying
That I should find a way
To leave it all behind

And I won't let you go
And I won't let you down
I won´t give you up
Don't you give up on me now

As Everything Fall To Pieces

2007-06-19T12:18:00.000+08:00

Linkin Park
"In Pieces"

Telling me to go
But hands begged me to stay
Your lips say that you love
Your eyes say that you hate

Theres truth in your lies
Doubt in your faith
What you've built you laid to waste
Theres truth in your lies
Doubt in your faith
All I've got's what you didn't take

So I, I won't be the one
Be the one to leave this
In pieces
And you
You will be alone
Alone with all your secrets
And regrets
Don't lie

You promised me the sky
Then toss me like a stone
You wrap me in your arms
And chill me to the bone
Theres truth in your lies
Doubt in your faith
All I've got's what you didn't take

The song above is a track picked out from Linkin Park’s new album, ‘Minutes To Midnight’. I juz got my own copy last week. So i finally decided to switch my blogging activity to a more convenient and better managed facilty (may I use the word facility to describe blogspot?). And my new address, regrettably due to my sense of loyalty to the nickname I had chosen years ago, is www.kyoshinrei.blogspot.com. Heh, life can be so much miserable when we stat anew, huh?

Getting back to my point, the song above is related to a topic which is usually discussed in other peoples forums. Friendship. Somehow that simple word once heard resembles a bond of honour, a tie of trust, a brotherhood to be upheld. Yes. Friendship, a simple word used by us humans to describe those that we closely know, those that we can match their names and faces, or just a gesture to ascertain loyalty towards a cause. And those who are bound by a so called promise of friendship is referred to as friends, individuals who are sumtimes similar in personality, or even interesting, parties who have contrasting opinions and views, but linked through various reasons, some personal, some business and some mereley leisure.

Somehow, our TV Shows, our radio channels, our various means of entertainment usually shows the part of friendship that is positive, a more dominant side of friendship. A piece of friendship that is overly exaggerated is the vow of friendship til the end of time. Well sure most people do get into these types of relationships, keeping close til the day they get the call to leave this world. Even more obvious is those around you, who seemed to be so close to you as if they are a part of another family, a family that accepts you for who you are. Friends, a family unit that can sometimes be stronger than your own family. The bond ties us to the foundation, as ‘friends’ share everything that they feel, everything is darn transparent. Friendship, as the media exaggerates, is an easy part of life that allows people to increase their social standing among their peers. The more people you make friends with, the more you are sought out. Yeah, friendship, everything is positive, and all those fights are very easy to settle whenever ur friends. Fantasy life created by the television is so dreamy and wonderful, making us forget the cruel reality of what happens whenever friendship starts to show the dark side of it.

Once we’re thrown out of our ecstacy, we would race to realize that sumhow, the friends we have can turn into our closest enemy. The ally that we have trusted all the while would turn out to be the very foe that wants to see us fall under their feet, to see us kneeling on the ground, while they stand and laugh at the weakness of who we are. Harsh? Hard to believe? Yeah, i know, to a majority that walks this world the darkside of friendship is only a myth until the shit falls upon them, making them realize that even the drug called friendship is temporary. Some even refused to accept this deception. But thats the truth, friendship is the ultimate oath of loyalty, but when the oath is thrown away, all that is left is tormented promises deemed to be the ultimate lies, no longer the ultimate oath. Honour no longer exist when friendship goes stale. Loyalty can be paid for a price when friendship starts to have its own value, all paid in greens or for the loyalty of another higher standing individual. Yes, reality sucks, and for some reason, we humans have been really good in trying to find our purpose to live, trying to calm ourselves whenever we’re left alone by all the people we believed were friends by saying, “I can move on and survive by my own, as i have been since the beginning”.

Why am i writing down all this? No particular reason, unless I’m trying to hide my own grief, my own sorry for those who betrayed my belief, and i sigh for relief since the betrayal lets me see at last what the other side of the coin looks like. Friendship is a relation of give and take, not a relation where you give shit and i take it. Let us be assured that everything hasnt been goin right in your own opera, since the script the ‘friend’ gave me is an absolute bullshit and ive come to realise it. Now im running my own opera, and ironically, on ur stage, juz to show how much I can deal with all the shit your trying to push at others, not just me, but to all those who you thought were friends to be used. Life can be cruel to everyone, even the most powerful faces the tedious of task. I can assure to those so called ‘friends’ out there, be smart and dont try to act almighty to the friends who gave loyalty and trust to you. The loyalty is not to make u a king, the trust is not to make u a leader of man, but both are meant for everyone, the friendship, to walk tall side-by-side. Do not betray anyone, as one day, karma will strike down its hammer upon what you have done. You may catch yourself running to find aid in those that you have thought were worthless.

Fall Out Boy
"Golden"

How cruel is the golden rule?
When the lives we lived are only golden-plated
And I knew that the lights of the city were too heavy for me
Though I carried karats for everyone to see

And I saw God cry in the reflection of my enemies
And all the lovers with no time for me
And all of the mothers raise their babies
To stay away from me

Tongues on the sockets of electric dreams
Where the sewage of youth drowned the spark of my teens
And I knew that the lights of the city were too heavy for me (too heavy for me)
Though I carried karats for everyone to see (everyone to see)

So tell me now, is friendship all that overrated? No. I still do believe there exist friendship that defeats all the deceits and lies. Friendship that i still trust eventhough secrets have been wedged in between the promise of transparency. And these friends are those that i value most, not for the loyalty that kings seek, but for the belief that they thrust upon me. I value the trust given, and seldom do i let the trust to be wasted. To those who pulled me through whenever i was locked in a tight spot, i thank you all. Only those people who are willing to give loyalty, the purest of loyalty, can be trusted as true friends, a real friend that never wills to see another friend hanging from a cliff. Ponder upon for a moment, look through those list of 1 million friends that you have, and pinpoint to yourself, who is it can you really rely on once the moment you need them most prevails. And dont just rely on them, make sure that you yourself is prepared to give them the alliance they need in times that they need a true friend.

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